A Beginner’s Guide To Roommates

Hi there! So you’re thinking about living with a roommate for the first time? That’s great! A roommate is an excellent way to live in an apartment you couldn’t otherwise afford. All you have to give up is a little privacy, a little of whatever you put in the fridge, and your entire apartment. If you’re looking to have someone you barely know accusing you of giving her athlete’s foot the second you wake up in the morning, keep reading!

Finding the right roommate is of utmost importance. You’ll be sharing a living space, a bedroom wall, and on one or two drunken nights whether you realize it or not, a toothbrush. That’s why the best place to start your search is Craigslist. As computer-savvy people, Craigslist clientèle tend to be intelligent, level-headed, totally normal people who are actually none of those. Give out your home address and tell them to come wander through your home. You’ll meet a colorful array of people, one of whom will not leave a lasting stench. There’s your roommate!

If you’re lucky, your roommate will introduce a new group of friends into your life. They’ll be so psyched to chill in such a nice apartment that they’ll probably sleep over, at least when they’re drinking. And don’t worry, the unemployed strangers rifling through your stuff will almost always be drunk. So if you’re ever missing anything, anything at all, feel free to accuse and/or secretly blame your roommate and her stupid deadbeat friends.

A roommate is a lot like a spouse you don’t love but stay with for the sake of the children — the children being the lease. You sleep in different rooms, but you still have to consult each other about major household purchases. The most important purchase you’ll make together is a television. There’s a lot to consider when buying a TV, but all that actually matters is whether or not it’ll play the Kardashians, because once your roommate figures out how to work the DVR, that’s the only thing it’ll get to do.

Should you create a chore chart? Sure! Especially if you enjoy doing all chores on said chart! When you divvy up who buys what household products, volunteer to buy the toilet paper. If you have a nice bathroom at work, you can buy the cheap stuff and experience minimal discomfort. You really can’t skimp on garbage bags, though. Your roommate may try buying the cheap, off-brand bags, but that’ll come to a swift end when she attempts to haul the overflowing pile of garbage to the curb, only to find that the butterfly-wing dollar-store garbage bags are no match for the oozing sack of rotten oranges you found behind her fleet of expired milk jugs. And while she attempts to clean up her mess, you’ll have the TV all to yourself!

A roommate relationship is all about give and take. You give her a ride to the airport, she takes seven. You borrow a stamp, she won’t stop nagging you about emptying the lint trap. Into what, Ashleigh, the trash? We all know that won’t end well.

Once her one-year sublease expires, your roommate will probably suggest you make love to yourself and the two of you will amicably part ways. Fortunately, a guy just responded to your Craigslist ad who says he has a dog. A dog! What could possibly go wrong?