A Checklist For Successful Air Travel

1. Plan an exciting trip months in advance.

2. Wait until the last minute to buy an expensive and inconvenient flight.

3. Set your alarm for an ungodly hour; sleep through your alarm.

4. Forget to pack a toothbrush.

5. Get stuck in a 4:30 a.m. traffic jam.

6. Assume airport parking will be inexpensive.

7. Make no effort to remember where you parked.

8. Arrive, after a long walk, at Arrivals; eventually realize planes depart from Departures.

9. Pick out a middle seat in the last row.

10. Rush to board the plane as soon as your row is called; experience vertigo waiting in a long line on the jet bridge.

11. Attempt to cram your carry-on bag into the overhead compartment; check your bag in defeat; never see your bag again.

12. Sit between an obese man and a crying baby.

13. Assume every sound the plane makes is an engine failing; assume it’s because you left your cellphone on.

14. Fall asleep just as the obese man has to get up.

15. Wake from a micronap to suddenly realize you are 40,000 feet above solid ground, trapped in a metal tube hurtling through the troposphere at 500mph; freak out.

16. Hate a baby with all your heart; feel momentarily guilty about it.

17. Read SkyMall; become convinced the key to happiness is a dedicated hot dog toaster.

18. Develop a sudden urge to use the bathroom immediately after the beverage service starts.

19. Get reclined upon; fully recline your chair in retaliation; notice no gain in comfort.

20. Unrecline before landing; feel as though you’ve never sat so upright in your life.

21. Become convinced during landing that the plane should not be fishtailing this much; sweat uncontrollably from palms.

22. Arrive at your destination 40 minutes early; wait on tarmac for 40 minutes.

23. Hope your bag is the first one on the baggage carousel; hope it is the next one; hope it shows up at all; abandon all hope.

24. Realize immediately after stepping outside you are not dressed appropriately for this climate.

25. Have an amazing trip that is all too short.

26. Schedule a wake-up call for an ungodly hour; sleep through the wake-up call.

27. Forget to pack your phone charger.

28. Pack an expensive local wine in your carry-on bag; watch the TSA place an expensive local wine in the trash.

29. Repeat Steps 10-24.

30. Spend hours aimlessly searching the parking lot for your car; remember how much airport parking costs; wish you’d never found your car.

31. Arrive home feeling as though you never left.

32. Start planning your next trip; realize you are out of vacation days forever; think about adopting a cat instead.