Justin Hook

5. Crocs

The apartment you lived in your first year out of school, the walk-up with a view of the street.

4. Telling people you don’t watch TV So you’ve somehow managed to subsist wholly on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, and the entirety of the Internet? We’re so impressed!

Finding the right roommate is of utmost importance. You’ll be sharing a living space, a bedroom wall, and on one or two drunken nights whether you realize it or not, a toothbrush.

Sometimes you just want a friend who has incredibly low standards but no other place to go. Like the one over there who’s contemplating eating a pile of his own vomit.

But let’s just focus on the Rudolph story. His pronounced nose makes him unsuitable for Santa’s racially-pure sled team,

There’s no better way to show off your education than by peppering your dialog with a few impressive-sounding words.

As it turns out, their sweet potato fries aren’t actually made with the starchy vegetable — they’re just regular fries with added sugar and a spot of orange food coloring. Sweet, potato fries.

But don’t worry too much about where you’re going to live. You’ll be spending most of your time right here — in traffic.

Avoid exercise when you’re tired.

Many states placed their capitals far from major cities, like Albany in New York, so that government officials wouldn’t be affected by business interests. That’s actually interesting, right? All most of us learned from the state capitals was that education is entirely trivial. And that Albany exists.

Doctors say children need more sleep than adults. That’s why, five days a week, we wake them up when the sun is still shining in China.

Our parents aren’t afraid of technology — they’re on Facebook, they’ve got cellphones — yet somehow they still use Internet Explorer 6. They still think “opening a tab” means drinking diet soda.

It can be hard to find a table with an outlet though, and I need one to plug in my MacBook Pro — there’s no point in meeting at a coffee shop if I can’t use my computer.

It may be hard to believe, but “I’m your biggest fan,” is about the least impressive thing you can say to someone who hears it almost constantly — in fact, I’m pretty sure the guy in front of you just said exactly that, and he’s got the tattoo to prove it.

Read SkyMall; become convinced the key to happiness is a dedicated hot dog toaster.

Everyone I know looks like an uglier version of some celebrity.

But now that every person with a smart phone has instant access to every bit of human knowledge, not only do you have to be right 100% of the time, you have to be right with stunning accuracy.