Justin DeMarco

‘Tom Terrific’ has never really been that terrific of a person.

It always starts with just one drink.

Um, well, our team never won a single game! But then again, we didn’t take ourselves too seriously, which is what kept it fun. In fact, our team name was “Drinkers with a Kicking Problem.”

“I’m a really good driver,” says every driver ever.

A 19-year-old Ivy League student athlete named Madison Holleran posted an image of holiday lights twinkling in the trees of Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia on Instagram an hour before she killed herself by jumping off of the ninth level of a parking garage downtown.

This is the first time in 28 years (even though I should give myself a pass when I wasn’t old enough to read or write) that I knew Mother’s Day would be celebrated on Sunday, May 10th without having to check a calendar or be told by my family members, friends, or colleagues.

The massive arena hosted New York Islanders games, Monster Jam, the circus, and concerts. How can you compete with that?

Don’t drop the microphone after your speech unless you want to pay for it.

“A guy with a man bun came up to me the other night and said, ‘I want to marry you,’” my friend said. “I just stared at him. And then one of my friend’s chimed in, ‘Sorry! She just moved in with her boyfriend.’ I didn’t know how to react. Where were all of these guys when I was single?”

You try to get as close as possible to the car in front of you so another car can fit behind. The car that squeezes in behind you gets too close to your back bumper and now you’re pinned in and unable to leave the spot.

You don’t handle criticism well.

Hi. My name is Justin DeMarco and I’m overweight.