50 Fucked Up Jokes You Should Never Tell Your Easily Offended Friends

1. How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

2. What was David Bowie’s last hit?

Probably heroin.

3. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can’t take a joke.

4. What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

5. I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

6. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

7. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

8. What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

9. What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

10. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

11. Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

12. A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

13. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

14. Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

15. What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

16. What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

17. How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

18. Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

19. How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

20. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

21. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

22. How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

23. How is virginity like a soap bubble?

One prick and it is gone.

24. I added Paul walker on Xbox…

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

25. How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

26. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can’t do stand up.

27. Real men don’t wear pink…

They eat it.

28. How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

29. Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

30. What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

31. What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

32. How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

33. What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

34. What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

35. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

36. My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex…

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

37. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

38. What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

39. What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

40. I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

41. What is the best part of a blowjob?

Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

42. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

She said she didn’t have time.

43. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

44. Say what you want about pedophiles…

But at least they drive slow through the school zones.

45. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

46. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

47. What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs?

Names.

48. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

49. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

50. After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.