Just So You Know, I Remembered Your Birthday

I am going to act like today is just another day. I’ll hit snooze more times than I should before rushing to get myself ready for work. I’ll curl my hair just like you always preferred and I will probably put on a bold red lip color to remind myself that I am as fierce as it gets. I will act like today is just another day.

The truth is, it isn’t just another day. It’s the birthday of someone I thought I was going to know for the rest of my life. At one time, you were my best friend and my adventure partner. You knew every imperfection. Every insecurity. You encouraged me to be my best self and you loved me. I could feel it in the way that you looked at me.

So today, I’ll start to text you happy birthday a million times. No matter how close I get to hitting send, I’ll never be able to actually send it. You see, to actually reach out to you would throw away any progress I’ve made the last few months. You used to tell me I’d never get away if I tried to leave you.

However, I’ve only heard silence since I decided I was worth more than your indecisiveness. Believe me when I say that I have been through hell trying to get over you.

Maybe I will sign the card I’ve kept in my top drawer of my dresser for the last six months. I have been saving it for your birthday. It was perfect and flawlessly summed up everything I’d want to say. I’ll probably contemplate mailing the card so you knew I remembered. But again, I don’t think I’ll be able to open the door to you again. I will have to remind myself that it took every bit of strength I had to close the door the first time. There is no way I’ll survive that a second time.

I am sure I will spend the evening wondering who you’re having dinner with to celebrate. Are you with a new girl now? Someone who you know you want to be with. Maybe you’re having dinner with those friends. The ones that made me fear for your safety because they could be so reckless. You would try to convince me that they were harmless, but I knew the truth. The hardest part will be having to remind myself that you are no longer my business.

You’ll probably continue to appear in my dreams like you’ve done the last two years. It’s there that I have any change of actually wishing you a happy birthday. It’s the place where we are able to be what we were always capable of.

Regardless of what I actually do today, it doesn’t change the fact that today needs to be just another day but really isn’t.