Josh Gondelman

If I had my way, I’d be in bed as much as an unemployed baby with clinical depression. Except my diagnosis would be “clinical living the dream.”

I have been traveling for work more and more frequently over the last two years. At first it was exciting. I felt like George Clooney at the beginning of Up in the Air. I was jetting across the country for business. I moved quickly between towns, did my work, and returned home. It was all very thrilling.

Obviously, you can’t talk about politics or religion. Those topics are bound to incite some sort of animosity in someone. But with vegetarian and vegan lifestyles taking on more prominent political significance, food may also be off limits as a discussion topic.

New Year’s Eve is a delicate occasion. With the need for balancing the impulse to see as many friends as possible with the constraints of your budget and time, it’s tough to figure out how to make the most of your night. That’s why this year you should just give up.

The 2012 presidential election has already become a media circus. The Republicans have debated each other roughly once a day for the past seven years, and the actual voting doesn’t take place for another eleven months.

The gifts you receive around the holidays say a lot about you and your friends. Learn from these subtle messages and plan your new year’s resolutions accordingly. Or, in some cases, just get better friends.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: If you are ever on fire, you need to remember to stop, drop, and roll. Grownups tell us this all the time. Probably that means everyone will be on fire at least once. This will come up! Remember it!

Aside from your football career, your most prominent attribute is your Christianity. It is a big deal to people. You sign your tweets GB² (God Bless and Go Broncos).

Remember last night? How the hospital threw us that banquet because we donated the money for the new particle beam therapy wing? That little boy with leukemia made the most touching speech I’ve ever heard. Brought tears to my eyes. You began sobbing, darling. I gave you my handkerchief.

Here’s the scene. We meet in a bar. I’m wearing a steel-blue necktie over a black dress shirt. You’re super hot and wearing a red dress. You make eyes at me while I drink a Coke and chat with my friends. I accidentally catch your gaze and offer a weak smile. As I leave with my buddies, one of them remarks: “That chick in the red dress was totally into you.” I smile and play it off, even though I think he was right.

There’s so much pressure to pick sides, to let people know where you stand. Yankees or Red Sox? Team Edward or Team Jakob? Republican or Democrat? Sometimes it’s hard to choose. Here’s a quick test to help you decide that age-old problem: Are you or are you not Bruce Springsteen?

Sometimes, though, folks assume I have a dark side, a hidden capacity for malice and cruelty writhing just beneath the surface of my chipper “façade.” They usually voice their concerns in the same way: “You’re so nice, you’re probably a serial killer,” which puts me in a very difficult position.