Josh Gondelman

One week, three students from a local college came in, two guys and a girl. The dudes were very comedian-y. Shaggy, wearing plaid shirts. The girl was very cute. Big brown eyes, glasses, and a huge, bright smile. Plus, she was funny. I was crushed, in the best possible way.

The following are several hairstyles I wish I had tried out when I had a full head of hair.

Dubstep, I believe, is a genre of music. Right? My impression is that it’s like robot reggae. But we already have reggaeton, so that should be covered. How many varieties of reggae do we need?

A sporting event is possibly the least appropriate time to unleash mayhem across a city. The Patriots lost. You’re mad. I get it. I’m mad too. But let’s not act like a bunch of dumb, emotionally stunted husbands from yogurt commercials about it.

The Boston accent relegates you to one of two roles: Pugnacious townie or brilliant janitor.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to read a book to figure out the keys to sex and romance. Take a cue from me. Everything I need to know about love, I learned from Puddin’, my roommate’s cat.

The year is 1914. The location, outer space. Tensions are running high between Mars-tria and Germoony. The United Asteroid Belt of America tries to remain neutral, but the murder of Spaceduke Franz Ferdinand touches off an intergalactic conflict that involves all corners of the galaxy.

For a long time, we discussed the improbable vitriol that people level against each other online. Personal attacks from people who don’t know each other. Vicious professional critiques from folks with no background in the field they’re commenting on.

Okay, guy. Sure. But who’s trying to give you kids? Is this happening? You’re not married or in a relationship. Where is this pressure coming from? Are there people on the street just pawning their children off on you?

Last week, Jay-Z and Beyoncé welcomed their first daughter into the world. On January 7th, Beyoncé Knowles gave birth to Blue Ivy Carter, proving one thing and one thing for sure. I really need to get famous.

If watching a TV show about meth is this exciting, then seeing meth in person would probably give me a heart attack, and actually using the drug would cause my hands and feet to explode off of my body. I am, as they say, hooked. The first three seasons are on Netflix. I’ve given up showering to watch.

Call it global warming. Call it climate change. Fact is, you can’t have it both ways. Either we can play Frisbee in shorts and t-shirts in the dead of winter or we can have polar ice caps and glaciers and regular weather patterns.