Josh Gondelman

Like hovercraft skateboards and lightsabers, many of these items would already exist if scientists would buckle down and get their priorities straight. Here is a (partial) list of foods we should have by now.

Sometimes, though, I worry that the integrity of someone or something I love (the Boston Celtics, Creedence Clearwater Revival, my girlfriend) will be called into question, and I’ll have to step up and do some honor-defending.

Although I speak both languages, neither the vast emptiness of deep space nor the padded mats of a gym feels like home to me. I struggled like Manny Pacquiao escaping a chokehold to get through Season One of the recent Dr. Who reboot.

The Tiny Kings is a trio of toddlers that were fed nothing but Ecstasy pills and breast milk since the day they were born. Their live shows involve each child sitting in front of a laptop and pounding at the keyboard with Garage Band and iTunes open.

I think that alongside Redfoo and Sky Blu, I would be probably the greatest Music Designer in history. In fact, I have already legally changed my name to Josh Gondelman, MD in anticipation of the success of my first single. I have designed it in hopes of joining their music-creating group.

6:13 am: Wakes up to a text from Usher that reads, “Happy Burfday lil man.” Groggily texts back “YEAH!” Usher replies with a winking emoji. Falls back to sleep.

At the end of every reading, though, comes the dreaded Q and A. What could be an opportunity for clarification and exploration of the topics at hand, almost always turns into a self-congratulatory festival of back patting and show-offery.

At the beginning of the story, a young man is callow, unable to achieve his goals. By the tale’s conclusion, he has surmounted his obstacles and completed his heroic journey. Everyone likes him better, and he gets to do more making out and high-fiving. It all seems very appealing. So when do I get to come of age?

I recently saw a Yankee Candle in Tennessee, which is the final nail in the coffin of “The South Will Rise Again.” If the dependence on northern scented wax has penetrated below the Mason-Dixon line, there will be no stopping this juggernaut. So clearly, they’re doing pretty well, but I have a few suggestions of candle-scents for today’s young person.

After a perfunctory nosetasting of all three, I decided that my girlfriend would find the notion of being “Pretty and Pure” somehow antifeminist. I scooped up a Soft and Dreamy body spray and a Sweet and Flirty perfume, having no idea what the difference between those two types of spray was.

Please, Mr. Bond. I wouldn’t offer it to you if I didn’t want you to have it. It’s the least I can do. You managed to find your way into my well-guarded inner sanctum. You disposed of myriad henchmen. And now, here you are, on the brink of not only the collapse of society, but your own imminent death as well.

Remember when Michael Vick went to prison for his involvement with a dogfighting ring? And after he spent twenty-one months in jail and two months under house arrest, he began to rehabilitate his image and his football skills in an effort to rejoin society? This is just like that, except instead of dogs, it’s a lady…