Josh Gondelman

Inside the Taco Bell, I was overwhelmed by all the semi-Spanish offerings. The menu was replete with chalupas, gorditas, and other foods I’d never seen in an actual Mexican restaurant. I didn’t know where to begin.

I really, sincerely thought that my adult life would be full of tuxedo-worthy occasions. In my heart, I knew that I needed the perfect outfit for impressing the daughters of foreign diplomats and making breathtaking entrances down spiral staircases.

Bombing is inevitable. Everyone has sets that don’t go well. The first few times it feels really bad. Like that nightmare where you are taking a test, and it’s all in Sanskrit type bad. You feel unprepared and confused.

The anxiety of “waiting by the phone” no longer exists because our phones come with us everywhere. The new neurosis is constantly looking your phone in public. I’m as guilty of it as anyone. I have a rotation. E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, repeat. It’s as if I think receiving a message the moment it’s sent will make my life perfect and complete.

Regrets are good! They mean you’re learning and changing. “Ugh, I shouldn’t have set that police cruiser on fire,” is a valuable insight. It means you sought out an experience, decided it wasn’t for you, and reflected upon what that means going forward. Most likely, it means you’ll do what you can to not set a motor vehicle aflame.

We met at that thing. It’s great to see you. How was that concert? … I bet! I’m so jealous. The Roots are pretty much my favorite live band too. Anyway, it seems like we’re moving from acquaintances to full-blown pals, and there are a few things you should probably know about me before this goes any further.

When my very kind parents obliged, I was sorely disappointed by the kit’s actual capabilities. Oh, great. I could mix some liquids together, and they would turn a strip of paper from blue to red? Sounds like a lot of fun. Not.

In Arizona, it may soon be that women will be legally pregnant before an offending sperm ever penetrates the depths of her babymaker. Some people say this law goes too far. I, however, submit that it does not go far enough.

Bullying is as important as breast milk or finding a Playboy magazine in the woods. It’s part of growing up. It makes people tough. Or it destroys them. If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to ruin some lives.

Tom Cruise was sexy in Risky Business, and it was mostly because he was the only high schooler who was down with having a brothel in his parents’ house. People like Zooey Deschanel in things because she’s like: “Relax! I get it! I’m a weiiiiiirrrdoo!”

1. Hardly sounds like he’s from Boston at all. 2. Willing to be big spoon or little spoon. 3. Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.

If I were rich and famous, I’d have a string quartet follow me around and play whatever song happens to be stuck in my head. They would, of course, wear tuxedoes at all times. They would also have matching 3D glowing eyeball glasses. To show that they’re with me. That, to me, would be the apex of fanciness.