Josh Gondelman

Make too much physical contact. Engage in tense, unflinching eye contact. Lick your lips. There’s a fine line between “flirty” and “creepy.” Cross that line.

This philosophy is mostly for when you need to find things. Like your keys. Say you’re ready to go out for a real rager of a night, but you can’t find the keys to your apartment/mom’s basement. You’re freaking out because your ride/bus is right around the corner. Take a deep breath, dude, and remember, It’s Always the Last Place You Look.

Cats only shed their fur when they contemplate the fleeting nature of life. Each cat is like a tiny Jean-Paul Sartre.

The School of Hard Knocks receives a lion’s share of publicity for storied alumni such as rapper Jay-Z, Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, and author Maya Angelou. Let’s not forget, though, that the School of Gentle Knocks has produced accomplished graduates such as Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Spencer Pratt, and Charlie Sheen (who later returned for his MHK at Hard Knocks).

Also guys, go bald young if you can. It’s a little awkward when you’re nineteen, but it saves you a lot of grief in your twenties and thirties. Show up well-groomed, well-dressed, and well-adjusted (as much as you can), looking and feeling like the best version of yourself.

My continued descent into curmudgeonly stagnation excites me to no end. As practice, I have already started hating Skrillex and One Direction without knowing anything about them. It feels phenomenal.

In these turbulent times, we Americans need a unifying force to guide our country into the future. We’ve tried Democrats. We’ve experimented with Republicans. We need a new solution. Something drastic. For the challenges of today’s society, I propose we turn to pizza.

Ladies. Please, stop throwing your panties at your computer screens. I don’t mean to be this sexy; it just happens. Even though I’m not a vegetarian, I have a lot of admiration for their kind. To stop eating meat, you are probably either ethical or health-conscious, both of which are appealing traits.

Still, there are some things that we, as a global culture, are forced to accept and discuss as actual, practical parts of society. Let’s all agree from this day forward to stop treating these ridiculous entities as legitimate.

He brought up all the classic Santa Claus questions. I was floored. I’d never considered the issue critically before. In fact, I felt like kind of a dummy. I took the case to the ultimate arbiters of fact, my parents.

As a writer and performer, I’d like to have something I actually prepared make it to air. Or at the very least, something extemporaneous but clever. So far, my contribution to recorded history is: “I had no idea the guy next door was making explosives in his mom’s apartment.”

Know this about me: I trust Tom Petty in all important life matters. It is because of Tom Petty that I don’t live like a refugee and am able to tell people not to “do me like that” (take that as you will). For years, I thought that maybe the waiting was the hardest part. Years of careful research have shown me, however, that it is not.