Josh Gondelman

Teenagers on the train are the worst. They somehow raise every venue to high school cafeteria volume within seconds. I vote we do away with them.

If you’re worried about rising gas prices, take public transportation. A train or bus is like a workout room on wheels with all its opportunities for pull-ups, pushups, and resistance running. Go ahead and cancel that expensive gym membership. Choo choo! Next stop, savings!

A realistic Hulk story would involve Dr. Banner suing his employer for medical costs and then living off of the workman’s comp, drinking at local bars, and goading cocky townies into fights.

Also, there’s breakfast.

Arguing in public is one of the Terrible Relationship Olympics’ most dynamic events. Whether it takes place on the street (summer games) or inside at a crowded gathering (winter games) it always draws a throng of spectators. That’s kind of the point.

When confronted with a problem, you choose the simplest most straightforward solution. You’re never afraid of snapping off a door’s handle by torqueing it too hard, or spattering a person’s brains too far by assaulting them with too heavy a bludgeoning weapon.

Your fish are boring. Of course they are beautiful, but how long can I really watch something beautiful move back and forth in silence.

I’m a sucker for women with a really dark sense of humor. It’s so charming! Plus, I know she’ll be fun to have around at funerals.

It has transitioned from a specific set of cultural touchstones (dating back to jazz cats) to something more like “a skinny person who is also a douchebag” or “someone who has an iPhone and/ or listens to music made after 1999.”

It’s basically sequel to that one about the cotton gin. There’s more Eli Whitney, if you’re into that. I’m still kind of weirded out by how his inventions helped slavery stay operational for years, and we’re just expected to let that go.

God is dead. And you’re complaining you’re “neurotic to the bone?” The only way for you to transcend these difficulties it to overcome the hurdles between you and your goals. Force your will upon the world or be destroyed by it! There is no other option.

The sense of excitement and ephemeral nature of his travel visa make The European Tourist a magnet for women who have trouble committing and/ or are able to overlook ponytails. His smoky, pretty good English, steams up tracks like, “Language Barrier,” and “It’s So, How You Say, I Love You.”