Josh Gondelman

If our crew planned to meet up at Burger King at 2, and the line was too long, we waited for everyone to show up before we could move on to an alternate destination. If a friend wasn’t home, and you wanted to get in touch with him… sorry. It took a phone-tree style effort to track him down and relay the simplest message.

Gay People Getting Married Leads To Socialized Medicine!

This is my first sex tape, so there will be a strict “no heckling” policy. I don’t want you ruining my big break. If you think it’s not going well, keep it to yourself.

Outside of the physical benefits of zombiehood, there are myriad psychological advantages. I’ve never seen a zombie freak out about money.

I’ve considered therapy and meditation, two techniques that have benefitted numerous friends, but neither seems to offer quite the boost I’m seeking. What I really need, it turns out, is a hype man.

Having a wallet that is more valuable than your telephone is the defining mark of adulthood.

We can’t continue to have two young Oscar-winning actresses with slightly divergent personalities running amok in Hollywood.

I knew I either had to find a solution or drop an ATM on my head, so I created Fantasy Breaking Bad, a way to argue and obsess over television’s most compelling drama until it comes back in 10 months.

Don’t forget: Retro is cool. You can gain major hipness points for proposing corsets as a throwback fall fashion or suggesting Proust as a beach read.

There’s one other dude there who’s super into knives but too shy to say it in front of his gun-toting cohorts. You guys get to talking and become life long best friends.

Goodnight laptop. Goodnight meth.
Goodnight Cormac McCarthy and Zadie Smith.

In the future, people will get wise and put the instructions to the dances right in the songs. Your grandchildren will have no trouble learning the Humpty Hump or the Cha-Cha Slide.