Josh Gondelman

We live in a society where others judge us based on appearance. Do we look professional? Dangerous? Trustworthy? Friendly? Sexy? You only get one first impression, and barring an intense olfactory output, the initial point of contact is visual. We give off a lot of information about ourselves that way.

My favorite album is probably Pinkerton by Weezer, but I’d rather eat a cardigan for breakfast every day of my life than walk around with a tattoo of that artwork like the poster child for shorthand hipsterism. My grandfather never taught me to draw anything. He did teach me: “Slow down when you’re taking that turn!” That’s not exactly something I want to commit to my flesh forever.

There are certain songs I could listen to every moment of every day for the rest of my life. “Hypnotize” by the Notorious B.I.G. and “Down on the Corner” (the notorious) CCR head up the list. Other songs are more time and place specific.

When I visited the Occupy Wall Street protest in New York City last week, I was touched by the alliance of hippies, punks, mothers, children, artists, and more that had assembled to speak out, largely against corporate corruption and a government that they felt no longer represented its constituents. It seemed like a thoughtful and compassionate demonstration of American dissatisfaction.

I imagine that people who see me dancing immediately understand how excruciatingly self-aware I am about it. Then they start to reflect on their own technique. “Do I look like that?” they wonder. “Could I just be jerking around spastically and no one is telling me? How can I ever really know myself? Am I leading a shallow, unexamined life?”

“Shouldn’t every man know how to change his own oil or throw a curveball or wrassle a gator?” Maybe. But in my experience, none of those accomplishments will earn you the kind of instantaneous admiration that whipping up a pie or a cobbler from scratch will generate. Besides, how long into your life are you going to be playing competitive baseball? Fastballs fade. Cookies are forever.

But something about the repurposing of “awkward” really grates on me. I think it’s because of the new trend where socially capable people pretend that they’re hapless fumbling losers. And it’s leaving us genuine dorks out in the cold. Sorry, pretty girls with glasses. My apologies, handsome dudes who played varsity sports. Awkward is our word. And even amongst the uncool, it’s widely overused.

u can take r lives bt u cant take r freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – Braveheart
Srsly, my dear, WTF? – Gone With the Wind

“The blues used during Picasso’s blue period were, because of their context, bluer than any blues ever painted with in the past. Bluer than Elijah Wood’s eyes. Bluer than the Pacific Ocean. I’m sorry. I’m crying right now.” — From “So Blue, Da Ba Di, I Could Die” written for Intro to Color Theory in Art History at Sarah Lawrence College by Tania Crenshaw

It had that handsome young man. You know the one. He was in the film about the boy who was a little…you know… slow. What do you mean I can’t say slow? That’s what he was. You know the one. He was in The Departure with Jack Whatshisname. Leonardo. Leonardo…DaVincio. He’s very handsome. I don’t much care for him.

1700 BC: Hammurabi, the sixth king of Babylon has trouble finishing “Hammurabi’s Code,” one of the world’s first codified systems of legal regulations. Ironically, his attention drifts to a public theatrical performance called “The Law and Order Marathon.”

This kid is going to be in the spotlight from the ultrasounds onward. That kind of pressure takes a toll on a child; it’s going to be a struggle to stay grounded and live a normal life. And who better to offer some words of wisdom on the topic of maintaining a regular existence than me, a guy that no one has ever heard of?