Are You The Woman Of My Dreams?

Part of being an adult, I’m told, is knowing what you want out of a relationship. You have to figure out which qualities are essential in a partner, and which are negotiable. I’ve recently had the chance to evaluate my own romantic needs, and I have finally managed to narrow down the attributes present in my dream woman. If you fit this description, please feel free to contact me, as you are probably my soul mate.

Obsession With Work

I am not picky about what someone does for a job, as long as she is totally wrapped up in it and works all the time. It’s so boring to talk to someone who does not care about what they do all day. Plus, I am busy, so if she is also busy, that would be perfect. No long Wednesday nights on the couch arguing over who picks the Netflix movie. I guess if I were pressed, I’d say she would be into some sort of humanitarian work or the hard sciences. I can always listen to a lady talk about science or social work!

Funny

All the “research” about guys not liking funny women is ridiculous. It is always delightful to be around someone who makes you laugh. I’m a sucker for women with a really dark sense of humor. It’s so charming! Plus, I know she’ll be fun to have around at funerals. She doesn’t have to be making constant armpit farts, but I think if on a third date, a woman showed off just one or two armpit farts, I’d be hers.

Lack of Awareness of Pop Culture

For some reason, I find it enormously appealing when a woman is entirely ignorant about film, television, and music. If you can’t name all three Kardashians, I’m intrigued. If you don’t know what a Channing Tatum is I’m fascinated. Recently, I had a conversation with a woman who had never heard of Lebron James. I nearly proposed on the spot.

On the other hand, though, I am always interested in…

Tremendous Depth of Knowledge Regarding 1990s Hip Hop

It’s going to come up. It’s better she knows about it going in.

Really Strong Opinions I Don’t Agree With

I don’t mean fundamental moral differences. I’d have trouble dating someone who was staunchly against marriage equality. But holy smokes am I drawn in by anyone who hates my favorite TV shows or songs and is willing to tell me why I’m wrong about everything. This is probably not a sustainable way to relate to someone, but in the short term it’s a blast. I could not be happier to offer an ardent defense of why The Big Lebowski is more than just a dumb stoner comedy or how there is never any good reason to eat a raw tomato outside of salsa.

Strange Physical Traits

Here are some of the physical attributes that I have recently found attractive. Some of them were surprises even to me. I’m just being honest here.

• Different colored hair and eyebrows. It’s like her face is saying: “I’ve got secrets.”
• Glasses or a weird nose or a scar. It’s so unfortunate when women sandblast away their differences and look like one kind of “hot.” It’s the worst.
• Really slender limbs and a visibly pregnant stomach. I have no idea why. I certainly am not ready to have kids. Plus, a pregnant lady is probably not looking to fall in love with me. C’est la vie.

Specific Personality Attributes

• Speaks a foreign language perfectly but has no accent when she speaks English.
• Willingness to eat pizza late at night.
• Strongly feminist. When a woman doesn’t identify as a feminist, I’m like: “Who did this to you?”
• An easy laugh. There was a plotline on Scrubs where the character that looked just like Zach Braff broke up with a character that looked just like Mandy Moore because she never laughed out loud and only said, “That’s funny.” I get it. It’s crazy, but I get it.
• Is comfortable with her body to a degree that she doesn’t need to say she is comfortable with her body.
• Kind to children and animals but not obsessed with children or animals. Again, I don’t want a baby. I promise.
• Doesn’t litter. Come on. It’s everyone’s planet.

So, if you’re a funny pregnant lady with a prominent scar who loves 2Pac but couldn’t pick Kristen Stewart out of a lineup, feel free to get in touch. I’m a pretty nice guy. I’m polite and thoughtful, and other than the above specifications I’m not picky. Obviously there’s some wiggle room here, but I’m just putting it all out there.

Also, if you are specifically looking for a guy who compulsively quotes Biggie and loves pie and considers actually putting away clean laundry a gargantuan accomplishment… we’re probably meant to be.