10 Simple Ways To Avoid Getting Laid

A lot of folks nowadays are having the same problem. Members of the opposite (or same!) sex find them overwhelmingly sexually attractive pretty much all the time. They are, in the 15-year-old words of Puff Daddy, “Swimmin’ in women with [their] own condominiums.” (Women, here, meaning men or women.) But fear not, ladies and gents. I have developed several subtle but effective no-fail methods for avoiding sexual intercourse.

1. Talk constantly about your ex.

People love a free, independent spirit. Nothing shows that you’re not any of those things more than dwelling in the past, and nothing shows you’re living in the past more than pining for the one that got away. Bonus celibacy points if you can make it clear that the breakup was your fault. Crying at a bar pretty much seals the deal.

2. Be sexist.

Call women “sluts!” That’s a sure panty-keeper-on-er. Talk about how there are “no good men in this town.” It’s a real treat! Or, flip the script! It’s 2012. Call men sluts. Complain that there are no good women in this town. Who cares what town you’re in or whether you mean what you say. It’s a great way to let people know what’s important to you: You make an unfit romantic partner.

3. Pick your nose.

In general, nakedly displaying bad hygiene is a great way to torpedo prospective chemistry. Scratch impolitely. Clean your fingernails with a business card. Hell, go ahead and clip your fingernails wherever you are. Go big and go home. Alone and happy.

4. Don’t ask questions.

Sell yourself. Make every conversation point about things you’ve done and places you’ve been. Bring up how much money you make. Aggressively and unilaterally talk about how the world works.

By all means, though, do not ask questions. Any time you spend listening could be better utilized describing how great you are. If you cave and accidentally pose a query, jump on it immediately and offer your own thoughts and opinions. You’ll be flying solo in no time.

5. Talk about things that have come out of your body.

Any sort of bodily function can be a surefire deal-breaker if you use enough details. If you can make yourself puke, pee, or give birth during an interaction, you’ve locked down a full night’s sleep in your own bed. And what’s greater than that?

6. Refer to a parent as “mommy” or “daddy.”

Saying, “mommy” means you have no emotional stability. Saying “daddy” means you expect everything to be provided for you. Using both “mommy” and “daddy” means you’re functionally nine years old. Do with that information what you will.

7. Do a magic trick.

Break out a deck of cards. Make a coin disappear. Go old school with a little “got your nose.” Magic is the opposite of science. Science is the umbrella discipline for chemistry. See what I’m saying?

Any sort of location-inappropriate peacocking will do the trick, though. Get on the floor in a coffee shop and show off how many pushups you can do. Prove to a vegan how many hot dogs you can eat. It’s like bringing a crossword puzzle to a gunfight. (Inappropriate and uncalled for and will make everyone mad.)

8. Have awful tattoos.

Unfortunately, so many awful tattoos have become acceptable fashion tropes: a butterfly on top of your foot, a barbed wire ring around your bicep, Japanese characters. If you want to ward off potential lovers, you’ve got to raise your game. Get a tattoo of your face on pretty much any part of your body, including your face. That’s creepy. Or get a tattoo of pretty much anything on your face. That’s terrifying. You can never go wrong (right?) with the name of your ex prominently displayed in permanent ink on your body. That goes back to Rule #1.

9. Lay it on too thick.

Nothing is less sexy than trying too hard to be sexy. Make too much physical contact. Engage in tense, unflinching eye contact. Lick your lips. There’s a fine line between “flirty” and “creepy.” Cross that line. Then celebrate by screaming and tearing off an item of clothing like a women’s soccer player. Mixed signals can be confusing. Yelling, “Green light!” and pointing to your crotch is just off-putting.

10. Just say no.

Just be honest. Don’t waste someone’s time if they’re clearly interested in you, and you’re not feeling it. People are used to rejection. It happens to all of us (not including Emma Stone or Ryan Gosling as part of “us,” here). Be courteous and humane. No need for a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag or a Top Chef-style “Pack your [genitals] and go.” You can turn someone down without being the origin story of how they became a supervillain. They’ll thank you. America will thank you.

Good luck with your sexual nonquests. I’m off to get “MOMMY” tattooed on my neck. Beats beating women off with a stick, right?