4 Things We Can Stop Pretending Are Legitimate

Times change. The world is a different place than it used to be. We just have to get used to it. For example, text messaging happens all the time. Sorry, indignant old people. (By old people, I mean me.) It’s a different world than it was twenty years ago. Or ten years ago. Or one year ago. Deal with that, everyone. (By everyone, I once again mean me.)

Still, there are some things that we, as a global culture, are forced to accept and discuss as actual, practical parts of society. Let’s all agree from this day forward to stop treating these ridiculous entities as legitimate.

Donald Trump

If Snooki demanded to see the president’s birth certificate, would we indulge her? Certainly we would not! Why? Because she is a reality television star and not a viable political entity. Just as Snooki’s role in society is to party on the Jersey Shore and terrifyingly yet inevitably announce her pregnancy, Donald Trump’s job is to wear a hilarious toupee and fire people from a job that may not really even be a job.

Fame is not the only prerequisite for political clout. If it were, some baby riding a farting dog on YouTube should be our new president. In fact, if that dog were five people years (thirty-five dog years) old, I’d vote for it ahead of Donald Trump. I assume there is no rule that says a dog can’t be president. Then that dog’s son could be president, and we can call it Heir Bud. Politics solved.

Crystal and Organic Deodorants

I get that people are against chemicals and are in favor of natural health remedies. In principle, I’m totally on board. The footnote to that opinion, however, is that the all-natural remedies have to work. Otherwise, please, by all means, bring on the chemicals.

If you’re taking the stance that we live in a sanitized society where people can’t even smell like people, and that’s a problem, fine. If you’re one hundred percent anti-deodorant, there’s nothing I can do to change your mind. Probably I’ll shake your hand instead of hugging you, but otherwise, we’re cool.

Seriously, though, lease stop spending your money on a fake hygiene product. All you’re paying for is the delusion that you don’t smell like a barnyard. Save that cash and spend it on vegan dish soap or shoelaces and feel good about that instead.

The Phrase “Skinny-Fat”

Language evolves. I know that. Even though certain bits of slang make me feel like I’m getting wet willy from a Q-tip covered in napalm, I’ve given up griping about them. I’m done complaining about “totes magotes,” and I’ve even called a public truce with the dreaded “swag.” Hell, throw “OMG” or “LOL” into actual, out loud conversation if you want, because I have a new linguistic nemesis, and that nemesis is “skinny fat.”

For those of you who don’t know (aka men), skinny fat is a description of the body type of someone who looks good in general but is secretly a little flabby. You know, the totally reasonable body that almost everyone in the world has. There is a significant acceptable gray area between obesity and bodybuilder. Why are we trying to shame everyone into looking like professional athletes or worse, regular people who are in professional athlete shape for no reason at all? Here’s one handy way to tell that you’re not overweight: The first word someone uses to describe your body type is “skinny.”

Whoever coined this term deserves to be the victim of all the tortures of the entire Saw franchise while watching all of the films of the entire Saw franchise. Way to make totally normal people feel awful for no reason, jerk.

Abstinence-Only Education

It. Doesn’t. Work.

Some things, we should never, ever do. Heroin, for example, is a thing you can live your whole life without sampling. Same with hate crimes. Just never do hate crimes. It’s easy. Abstain from racially motivated violence.

Sex, however, is a thing that most people would agree is okay to do sometimes. And, if you do it right, you can reduce the risks. However, if no one ever teaches you how to do it correctly, you’re going to do it anyway, but you’ll do it wrong, and everything will be a horrible disaster, and you’ll have a baby.

Let’s put it this way. You probably shouldn’t eat pizza all day long with anyone who will eat pizza with you. It’s not productive, and it’s not good for your body. But, if you pick your spots and take the proper precautions, pizza is something you can really enjoy, alone or with others.

You need guidance, someone to say: “Don’t eat that hot, bubbling pizza or it will give you blisters on your mouth.” On the other hand, it’s not helpful to say: “Pizza is a sin! Wait until marriage to have pizza!” Because then you’ll end up not knowing what kind of pizza you like, and you’re married to someone who doesn’t even know how to make pizza, and you start craving the neighbor’s pizza, and we all know where that leads.

I don’t remember what my point was, but I really want some pizza right now.