Proposed Scented Candles I Need For My Apartment

Candles come in lots of different scents, from the familiar “Lavender” to the more abstract “Midsummer’s Night.” My apartment is full of candles that a previous tenant left behind: “Refreshing Spa,” “Apple Cinnamon,” “Something Citrus-y.” I never light them, ever. The only time I can imagine using them is during a power outage. I’m afraid of what kind of phantom fruit salad it would cause my home to smell like if I lit them all.

There are, however, a few candles that I could use in my day-to-day life. The candle industry (Big Candle) is growing by the day. In fact, I recently saw a Yankee Candle in Tennessee, which is the final nail in the coffin of “The South Will Rise Again.” If the dependence on northern scented wax has penetrated below the Mason-Dixon line, there will be no stopping this juggernaut. So clearly, they’re doing pretty well, but I have a few suggestions of candle-scents for today’s young person.

Clean Apartment

Look, I’m busy. And also sometimes, I’m lazy. I don’t always have the time to make sure everything in my apartment is in tiptop shape every single day. When I have company over, it’s kind of a rush job to get my place… let’s say… hospitable. I push laundry under the bed. I’ll throw a full trash bag under the sink. Sometimes I’ll put a stack of dirty dishes in a cabinet. I don’t know whether it’s the lingering smell or my frantic insistence that no one open any drawers, but my visitors always catch on that something’s up.

A “Clean Apartment” scented candle would really put people at ease. It could have notes of dish soap with fabric softener undertones. People would really think I had it together. If it’s too complicated to combine all these scents into one candle, Yankee could come out with an entire “Impressions of Cleanliness” line. “Floor Wax,” “Freshly Vacuumed Carpet,” “Glass Cleaner.” What slob wouldn’t shell out for these candles? Everyone’s parents visit sometimes.

Pizza

Obviously. The greatest smell of all. I always want to smell pizza. Period.

The Feelings I Really Need Validated

Yes, there are plenty of feelings-based candles. Usually they are on the “Relaxation” and “Serenity” end of the spectrum. Those are not the feelings I need reinforced by smells. How about “Financial Security”? It could either smell like actual money or a freshly opened mutual fund dividend statement. Or “Respect of Your Peers.” I’m not exactly sure what that would smell like. A firm, sincere handshake, maybe. A champagne toast?

What about a candle that smelled like not having student loans? If you live in a studio apartment, then you need one of those candles.

Gym Bag

Sometimes I don’t have a chance to work out. Maybe I’m working a lot of overtime. Maybe I have a lot of cake that needs eating. A “Gym Bag” candle would give the sensation of just having worked out without all the sweating and heavy breathing. The smell of dirty socks could make me feel like I’ve spent an hour on the treadmill even if the most strenuous thing I’d done that day is yell out advice to Price is Right contestants on TV.

To complete the workout feel, I could create that “just went to the gym” ambiance in my home. Throw a pair of shorts over the back of my desk chair. Leave a half-empty water bottle on the counter. Flop down face first on my bed in a towel. Then, turn down the lights, light a “Gym Bag” candle, and soak up the fitness vibes.

Then, when I felt lean and ripped, I’d counteract the “Gym Bag” with the “Clean Apartment” scent.

Girlfriend

When you think of the smell of a casual female acquaintance, you might recall the perfume she wears or a food you’ve enjoyed together. With a girlfriend, there’s a much more complicated set of olfactory connections. High heels after eight hours of wear. Facial cleanser. Someone else’s sheets.

I’d like a candle that mixes all that up. You know, for when my girlfriend is out of town. Or when I’m out of town. I’d light a candle, snuggle up to a pillow I’d left on the heater, and watch a Reese Witherspoon movie. Even the Yankee people probably don’t have the resources to create a specific scent for every customer’s individual girlfriend. (Also, I imagine the process would be too creepy to go through with. Sending the Yankee Candle Company a bag with a lock of hair, a blob of shampoo, and a swatch of carpet would necessitate acting a little sketchier than I could manage.) But maybe a generic one would be good. That way you get all the comforts of the girlfriend scent with a little edge of: “Who’s this lady? She smells great!” A little intrigue.

Actually, never mind. I’m actually afraid I might fall in love with that candle.

But the other ones… get on it, Yankee. There’s a market out there! Or at least right here. In my apartment.