27 Thoughts She Has Before Having Sex With You

1. “What’s his penis going to look like?”

2. “I hope he doesn’t refer to his penis as a cock.”

3. “Is it too forward to ask for his test results first?”

4. “Oh god, I really hope he keeps the lights off. LIGHTS ON IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE FOR A FIRST TIME.”

5. “Is he the type to make the first move or should I just be waiting with my pants off?”

6. “I really hope he’s not one of those ‘let’s change to a new position every two seconds’ kind of guy. LET ME ENJOY THE MOMENT FOR A BIT, DAMN.”

7. “Should I create a Spotify playlist for this?”

8. “Is The Weeknd too much?”

9. “Is R. Kelly inappropriate to put on here?”

10. “OMG what if I Believe I Can Fly comes on?”

11. “I really hope he’s not the type to think spitting on my vagina is attractive.”

12. “I have achieved naked mole rat status, thank you European Wax Center.”

13. “Is my underwear matching?”

14. “Should I light candles? Does anyone light candles anymore?”

15. “If we accidentally have a kid, I hope it doesn’t get his nose.”

16. “But it can definitely get those dimples. Or those eyes.”

17. “Oh god, did I just jinx us?”

18. “I DON’T WANT KIDS RIGHT NOW. I DON’T WANT KIDS.”

19. “Should I move my family photos into another room?”

20. “Would he notice if I called my best friend really quick and updated her on every single thing we’re doing right now?”

21. “Will I kill the mood if I pee before we get started?”

22. “Ok well, I have to remember to pee after because I saw what happened to Susan when she got that UTI.”

23. “Oh god, my walls are so thin.”

24. “ENJOY THE SHOW, MARY!”

25. “Wait, FUCK when is my period due?”

26. “Is he gonna spend the night?”

27. “I need to fall asleep to a podcast, so I hope he finds the voice of Howard Stern soothing.”