Johanna de Silentio

You are having relationship problems. Sitting by your computer drinking beer and forlornly GChatting someone who is also experiencing relationship problems seems like a better idea than actual social interaction.

Wonder if I should seriously consider dating a girl. She was full of compliments and the hook up was about me. I can’t think of one man I have dated who I could say both things about.

Worry that your relationship lacks definition because you are vastly over-invested (you are) (this is the most clarity and insight you will have throughout this whole situation). Spend more time being concerned that things aren’t going to pan out the way you want them to than actually doing anything to cause them to pan out the way you want them to…

Can we be honest about the “crazy ex-girlfriend” thing? We all know that’s an urban relationship myth, right? I have a theory: the kinds of guys that talk about having “crazy exes” are crazy-making. Dudes love to complain about having crazy exes, except no one is crazy in a vacuum. People become crazy when you exhaust their ability to be sane.

Asked for my address and “which window was mine.” Brought another dude. Told me that “gay people are disgusting” and that “homosexuality is a sin.” Wore a shirt that my dad owns (sorry my dad isn’t like a frumpy dude, but this dude was considerably older than me and it freaked me out).

In addition to philosophy being, you know, ‘valuable’ (the unexamined life is not worth living blahblahblah you still don’t give a shit do you?), the lives of some of the most famous philosophers were pretty effing buzzworthy. So come on people, if we’re going to live in a culture that airs the likes of Holly’s World and a Double Shot at Love, we’re kind of obligated to give these guys a chance, right?

Men, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your shoes. Women, although I cannot presume you share my taste in men (and, apparently, Asics), the red flag shoes should be universal.