Johanna de Silentio

Girls who call guys creepy are girls who solicit attention they have no intention of returning so that they can complain about it and feel better about themselves.

What your baby did today. The weather. Your boyfriend’s band.

Sometimes you go to bed and wake up the next morning and everything is different and you don’t know why. You are elated one day and paralyzed with anxiety the next. All of a sudden you love green olives or don’t care about your bad highlights or hate your boyfriend. Sometimes nothing makes sense.

At what point is someone’s enthusiasm for sex and dating none of your business and when is it something you should take under consideration?

In the morning you’ll think “I am not the girl my mom raised.” The cool story he impressed you with will seem like a lie. His clothes, messing up your floor, are only highlighting the mess he’d add to your life.

I want to care about your baby. For your sake and my sake I want to not feel sick to my stomach when I see pictures of your reptilian looking newborn or your gorgeous [something, idk]-month old on Facebook. But I hate it and I’m sorry.

Just because you are having frequent, vulnerable, complicated conversations it doesn’t mean your relationship is deep or meaningful. It means you’re both insecure and hurt and it’s damaged beyond repair, probably.

Drunk you’ll be like, “Haaaaiiiiii I got this, I’m cool, just gonna break the ice and see wassuuuuup.” This may not be the worst thing in the world, but one brief or delayed response and you turn into everyone’s favorite villain, Dozen Texts Typo Psycho.

You don’t love the idea of them moving on, but you’ve started talking about how miserable their next significant other will be as opposed to thinking you’re going to get back together…

Tumblr is shutting down blogs that promote self-harm. This means pro-Anorexia, pro-Bulimia, and pro-EDNOS blogs are dunzo.

Received a text message, “Will you bring the scratch tickets.” Responded with non-sequitur, “He hasn’t called yet but I’m blogging about it.”

Guess where your significant other is tonight! This is a super fun guessing game! What you do is you date someone who doesn’t really like you but you haven’t admitted that to yourself, and then spend a lot of time worrying where they are and who they are with when they ignore your texts!

You are having relationship problems. Sitting by your computer drinking beer and forlornly GChatting someone who is also experiencing relationship problems seems like a better idea than actual social interaction.

Wonder if I should seriously consider dating a girl. She was full of compliments and the hook up was about me. I can’t think of one man I have dated who I could say both things about.

Worry that your relationship lacks definition because you are vastly over-invested (you are) (this is the most clarity and insight you will have throughout this whole situation). Spend more time being concerned that things aren’t going to pan out the way you want them to than actually doing anything to cause them to pan out the way you want them to…

Can we be honest about the “crazy ex-girlfriend” thing? We all know that’s an urban relationship myth, right? I have a theory: the kinds of guys that talk about having “crazy exes” are crazy-making. Dudes love to complain about having crazy exes, except no one is crazy in a vacuum. People become crazy when you exhaust their ability to be sane.

Asked for my address and “which window was mine.” Brought another dude. Told me that “gay people are disgusting” and that “homosexuality is a sin.” Wore a shirt that my dad owns (sorry my dad isn’t like a frumpy dude, but this dude was considerably older than me and it freaked me out).

In addition to philosophy being, you know, ‘valuable’ (the unexamined life is not worth living blahblahblah you still don’t give a shit do you?), the lives of some of the most famous philosophers were pretty effing buzzworthy. So come on people, if we’re going to live in a culture that airs the likes of Holly’s World and a Double Shot at Love, we’re kind of obligated to give these guys a chance, right?