Internet Commenter Drinking Game

Read through them and take a shot every time:

• Someone chides the author for the body of the article not living up to what the commenter hoped the title implied the article would be about
• Someone criticizes the tone or content the site has been publishing ‘lately’ and mentions how shitty it is now compared to ‘before’
• Someone suggests that the author receive editing help from a friend before submitting next time
• Someone feels offended and/or takes personally the relatively innocuous, inoffensive thing posted (i.e. title: Thoughts I Had While Ordering At Subway; comment: “you talk about subway so flippantly like you assume everyone has disposable income and can afford to just like go fucking buy a sandwich whenever they want, when some of us are eating ramen okay? [AssHole420 and eight other people like this]”)
• Someone praises the author for writing something that they can ‘totally fucking relate to’ (i.e. “Oh my god, are you stalking me?! It’s like you’re in my brain!”)
• Someone claims to identify with the author by mentioning public yet personal details about the author’s life which are mostly meant to subtly hint that the commenter has slightly elevated priority access to said individual (likely because they added the author on Facebook and/or militantly stalk the author’s Twitter account, etc) (i.e. “This totally reminds me of that party you went to where everyone was drinking sake and smoking on that balcony.”)
• Someone appears to feel as though they were hired and/or mandated by God to regulate the comments section of said blog or website and police other commenters by vigilantly defending the author against any/all critical comments
• Someone points out a grammatical/spelling error in a needlessly haughty way (i.e. “Uhhh, it’s ‘they’re’ not ‘their’ you dumb piece of shit”)
• Someone promotes their own blog by vaguely responding to whatever was posted and then suggesting that the author and/or readers proceed to the commenter’s entirely unrelated blog if they “like what they read here”
• Someone spends more than a paragraph explaining how the article is racist/misogynistic/offensive/uninformed
• Someone says, unequivocally, that this is The Worst Article On This Website EVERRRRRR
• Someone suggests something that ought to either be added to or omitted from the post (i.e. “This post would be so good if only you had/hadn’t mentioned X”)

Finish your drink if:

• Someone makes an intelligent, non-self-aggrandizing comment that adds something to the discussion rather than draws attention to the commenter
• Or you know, whatever, thanks for the hits a-holes

This post originally appeared on PhiLOLZophy.