Jimmy Chen

When my girlfriend handed my father a pair of size-9 UGG slippers for men, which she had endearingly bought him, he swiftly handed them back to her and said he’s a size-10, but that I was a diminutive size-9, pointing…

Before you start hemorrhaging blood from every orifice, Ebola’s initial symptoms are cunningly prosaic.

You’ve Got Mail (1998) cost $65,000,000 to make and made $250,821,495 at the box office, which is a profit of $185,821,495.

Turn on Pandora and earnestly contemplate suicide when it believes that you might enjoy Macklemore.

David Bowie is an eclectic textile store owned by a Muslim a year lease away from burning down the place for insurance.

When kindred wails, it is our evolutionary impulse to go nearer, as if to choose between saving them, or getting a better view of their demise by which to commemorate them.

Full house sucked and still sucks whenever i watch it now..and it wasn’t even filmed in sf it was filmed in hollywood..

Method: Condom Summary: Sperm is thwarted. Commentary: Our general ambivalence with condoms is more than just sensory. It is existential, for the male has an anthropological imperative to inseminate his partner in order to propagate his genes.

Girls Gone Wild spent upwards of $20 million annually in direct-response marketing, mainly in late night 30-minute infomercials, whose demographic were idle middle-aged men near the end of their libido watching television at 2:00 a.m.

I have opposable thumbs, you don’t. I can open the cat food, you can’t. I know where Petco is, you don’t. I’ve read Ulysses, you haven’t. These are examples of me looking down at you on the evolutionary chart.

It would be another decade until I would lose my virginity to a charitable young lady with suspect taste, but in the mean time, I had Penthouse Forum letters to supplement any proper experience or education.

Susan and Sang Wang, Wong, or Chong are happy, if by “happy” you mean the sustained countenance of deference, the embracing of Western values (e.g. consumerism, materialism) more so than the West.

This was before the internet, kids, when kids back then went to great and precarious lengths to acquire pornographic material.

She was reading a book at the register — in the contented aura of her own attractiveness, it seemed — slowly masticating on something hard enough to be erotically heard from the aisles throughout which I wandered.

In a “real world” non-cartoon context, Beavis would likely have been prescribed a stimulant (Adderall, Ritalin) for his ADHD, maybe coupled with a mood stabilizer (Xanax, Lithium) and even an anti-psychotic (Seroquel).

Walking past a coffee stand, I noticed that the Barista — who was a woman with mannish mannerisms, obviously queer — had a thin mustache which on a “natural” man would have looked pervy.

Without God, a partner, five-year plan, or any plan, there’s little in life to consider save one’s premature mortality.

For those who believe they are lonely, whose recent break ups or absent relationships give them something to be sad about, a visit to the cat food section at PetCo may make you feel chipper, for they are populated by special kinds of sad women (colloquially known as “cat ladies”) who stare deeply — purrhaps past, confronting a dark manless void — into the very items (feather on a stick; toy mice; scooper, calming spray) for which they disorientingly came.