Jim Goad

“It’s heading right for me…Goodbye Mama”

Here are fourteen ways that Old Man Winter can render you a frozen stiff.

1. AARDVARKING…having sex with an ex-lover due to boredom or lack of other opportunities

The Greek Orthodox Church has just told Rev. George Passias to go defrock himself.

WARNING: Do NOT click on any links marked “PHOTO” within three hours of eating any meals.

The following are all documented incidents of women sexually assaulting men—whether through threats, violence, or merely taking advantage of the poor drunk bastards.

The following are cases where people who knew they were HIV+ infected others either through malice or negligence.

“Newborn foreskins contain human growth factors that make them ideal for anti-wrinkle skin creams.”

STRUCK DEAD BY A SPEEDING PAROLEE.

1. ONE OF THE FIRST ‘MILK-CARTON KIDS’ It was a fateful May morning in 1979 when six-year-old Etan Patz’s parents finally felt safe letting him walk to the bus stop alone in Manhattan.

“Olive” (not her real name) is a woman who worked at Tower Records on Sunset Strip for two-and-a-half years in the 1980s. In honor of the premier of ABC’s WICKED CITY, here she recalls her various brushes with the rich, the famous, and the intoxicated.

“Tower was a respite for people. You’d come there and see some celebrities walking around—Brian Setzer, Bruce Springsteen, Whoopi Goldberg. Everyone came to be seen. You buy records, maybe see a celebrity, maybe get an autograph, and that would make your day.”

“She served a two-year prison sentence for orchestrating the 2007 kidnapping, robbery, and ten-hour torture of a former boyfriend.”