Jim Goad

If you’re trying to win someone’s heart, maybe it’s not the best idea to leave a dirty piece of looseleaf paper with a message written in your own blood under their windshield wiper.

it’s possible to literally die from laughter—not from the joke itself, but from the body’s reaction to it.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” —Norman Vincent Peale

Do some people surround themselves with pets to avoid figuring out how to deal with other people?

Because flowers make it just that much more passive-aggressive.

Why are all 17 of these suicide-note excerpts—that were taken from real people who really killed themselves—so touching and poignant and insightful?

Namasté, motherfuckers.

Romantic love often goes sour.

There are hundreds of different code words that people have used throughout the past few centuries to refer to sex. Here are some euphemisms for sexual intercourse that will make you laugh aloud:

It shatters childhood innocence to learn that Santa Claus is an asshole.

5. Man dies of heart attack after attempting to get a blowjob from a vacuum cleaner.

She even called all this so-called gay misogyny a “huge problem,” a statement which by itself is hugely problematic.

Forget all the urban legends and ghost stories and “scary” Hollywood movies: These cases are all real, and they all happened on Halloween.

After months of inaction, search teams have resumed trawling the Indian Ocean for the merest scrap of evidence that Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, which stunned the world when it went missing back in March, had plunged into its murky depths.…

Pizza is like ice cream—if you don’t like it, you’re probably a murderer.

How about a morbid sense of dread? Is that acceptable?

I believe the main reason that the younger generation is abandoning Christianity is the fact that they simply can’t relate to Jesus Christ’s fashion sensibilities. Let’s face it—the “Jeez Steez” is totally early 90s, totally “grunge”: Ewww!

First they came for the Tea Party, and you did not speak out—because you were not a member of the Tea Party.