Jim Goad

“It’s heading right for me…Goodbye Mama”

Here are fourteen ways that Old Man Winter can render you a frozen stiff.

1. AARDVARKING…having sex with an ex-lover due to boredom or lack of other opportunities

The Greek Orthodox Church has just told Rev. George Passias to go defrock himself.

WARNING: Do NOT click on any links marked “PHOTO” within three hours of eating any meals.

The following are all documented incidents of women sexually assaulting men—whether through threats, violence, or merely taking advantage of the poor drunk bastards.

The following are cases where people who knew they were HIV+ infected others either through malice or negligence.

“Newborn foreskins contain human growth factors that make them ideal for anti-wrinkle skin creams.”

STRUCK DEAD BY A SPEEDING PAROLEE.

1. ONE OF THE FIRST ‘MILK-CARTON KIDS’ It was a fateful May morning in 1979 when six-year-old Etan Patz’s parents finally felt safe letting him walk to the bus stop alone in Manhattan.

“Olive” (not her real name) is a woman who worked at Tower Records on Sunset Strip for two-and-a-half years in the 1980s. In honor of the premier of ABC’s WICKED CITY, here she recalls her various brushes with the rich, the famous, and the intoxicated.

“Tower was a respite for people. You’d come there and see some celebrities walking around—Brian Setzer, Bruce Springsteen, Whoopi Goldberg. Everyone came to be seen. You buy records, maybe see a celebrity, maybe get an autograph, and that would make your day.”

“She served a two-year prison sentence for orchestrating the 2007 kidnapping, robbery, and ten-hour torture of a former boyfriend.”

42. Male Tears

Granted, sex dolls are not as warm as real women. But according to some men, they aren’t nearly as cold, either.

I’ll spare you the expense…and the stench…and summarize what you should be grateful for missing.

“I am very impressed every time I see you in the woods. You seem to realize when you are being watched…”

If you had a vision of Jesus where he hands you his foreskin and tells you it’s your wedding ring, you’d better zip your lip about it or everyone will think you’re fucking crazy.

All things considered, it’s probably a tiny bit uncool to be a dick to someone when they fear for their life.