Jim Goad

Did you forget to take your pills?

I use a Korean pansexual gay-rights activist and Obama cheerleader as a human shield.

At last count, two people are dead and nearly two dozen are injured as the result of some jerkoff drunk driver crashing through barricades and plowing through a crowd at the SXSW festival in Austin.

I think the largest obstacle to equality is the fact that people aren’t equal.

It’s a good thing I’m going senile, because I can’t remember a winter worse than this one.

The results are in: Fat people overeat because our fat-fearing society “fat-shames” them, which then causes them to overeat. This doesn’t explain how they got fat in the first place, but let’s not get picky.

Although Santa Claus doesn’t exist, I am nevertheless convinced that he is white. I take it as a matter of faith that he is as white as his beard and as white as the polar ice caps.

In 1972 comedian George Carlin famously delineated the “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.” All seven words dealt with bodily parts or functions at a time when such things were simply not mentioned in polite company.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

But working and creating are what raise us above mere animals. Work, not sex, is the main reason we ascended above the apes.

This is a picture of me looking happy as a hermaphrodite clam shortly after receiving a colonoscopy the other morning.

These men of God were busy li’l bumblebees with the ladies.

They say the Unabomber was crazy, but he made sense when he warned that mass-prescribed mood-altering pharmaceuticals are evil precisely because they force you to tolerate situations which you’d naturally find intolerable.

If there’s any such thing as a fundamental human right, it should be the ability to choose when you kiss the world goodbye.

There are greater crimes than being cheesy—like, for example, being insufferable.

And my guts tell me that 100 years ago, you would have all been in white racist lynch mobs while I would have been the one crazy white guy in town trying to stop you.

Hasan was a solitary worm burrowing deep inside a military-industrial apple that refused to stop him for fear of being deemed wormophobic.

From the voluntary castration of Heaven’s Gate to the Children of God’s eager encouragement of pedophilic incest, sex is used to demolish personal identity in favor of the hive mentality.