Donald Sterling Still Probably Doesn’t Want To Hang Out With Black People

The NBA has banned octogenarian LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life following taped comments where he tells his half-black/half-Mexican girlfriend that it’s OK if she wants to fuck black guys—just don’t pose for pictures with them or bring them to games.

At a press conference earlier today while announcing the lifetime ban, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver called Sterling’s comments “hateful,” “deeply personal and harmful,” and that they caused him “personal outrage,” although Silver did not specify whether he intended to sue Sterling as a result of being personally outraged.

In the wake of his amply publicized Negrophobia, it was also revealed that Sterling is apparently somewhat of a slumlord who claimed he didn’t like black tenants and found them malodorous.

Sterling, who has owned an NBA team longer than anyone else currently alive, will likely be forced to sell the Clippers as well as pay a $2.5 million fine for saying he doesn’t want to hang out with black people.

Somehow, this doesn’t make me think he’s going to suddenly start wanting to hang out with black people.

If the moral lesson here is that everyone should want to hang out with black people, then I think we have failed in getting this lesson across to Mr. Sterling.

Instead of calling for his head like a damn lynch mob (SMH), a bunch of nice black people should have invited him out on the town for a night where they didn’t rape or rob him or once make fun of the way he talks or dances. If he was too afraid of going out at night with black people because you can’t see them in the darkness until they smile, he could have easily arranged a mid-afternoon meeting with some friendly local blacks at a Starbucks where they all discuss their favorite science-fiction novels. Even though he’s not a Christian, he could have had a cordial Sunday pancake breakfast with various elderly members of a local black church. Those people can be funny as hell, and I’ve never known a black person to turn down a pancake. Point being, given the proper controlled and heavily monitored circumstances, he could have been taught the valuable lesson that hanging out with black people doesn’t always result in you getting murdered or at least crippled.

But we, as a society, have failed to teach him this lesson.

And now he probably hates black and Mexican women, too. Or at least half of them. Something tells me his ex-girlfriend is going to start filming pornos with black guys at basketball games.

Although he may have had unfounded fears of black people in the past, the man born Donald Tokowitz will now have perfectly sound fears of black people, many of whom may be tempted to physically assault him, pee in his face, or give him a wedgie should their paths cross. He is now the George Zimmerman of multimillionaires. He’s probably already considering a move to somewhere that has no black people—somewhere like Iceland or, you know, Portland.