Jeremy Eliahu

I was at Cheesecake Factory the other night with my good friend Simmer and our waitress was more or less one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen.

Not like that, you perv. Why are you always thinking about those types of things? How old are we here?

Ernest “Papa” Hemingway has been dead for over fifty years, which means he hasn’t been around to experience the creation of milestone achievements like a cell phone, the internet, or yoga pants. But you’d be foolish to argue that his imprint has ever diminished in modern culture.

A lot of people say that the way you play basketball is reminiscent of your personality. Although the same case can be made for just about anything—(examples, the way you drive, the way you make money)—let’s play with this for a moment.

For a good amount of time I thought of New York as the answer to life. Like most people my age in LA, I am always complaining about it.

2. Do we say hi?

Twenty minutes have passed while I pack all corresponding scraps and notes—wait, wasn’t this my writing hour?

“One of the best things about him is that he comes from a good family.”

5. You drop them and then you cry

There are morning people, daytime people, nighttime people, and people who just suck all the time.

Following these steps will quickly install you as an interesting and popular person in LA.

How I check my old love’s Facebook page every ten minutes.

I don’t know what it is, really, that makes some men think it’s cool to display their pale, moist and hairy feet in public.

Anybody who claims to know the source to endless happiness is a clown. If you’re a sensitive, thoughtful person, you should have discovered by now that pure happiness is sort of unrealistic.