I Don’t Like Big Dicks

I don’t really like big dicks.

That’s OK, right? Nobody’s gonna shame me or gasp in horror when I confess that, are they? Well, whatever, I don’t give a fuck. I’m just not the biggest fan of giant dicks!

I’m definitely not saying I like little teeny ones – you know, the kind where you can’t even feel it in you, like a pinky finger or something. No thanks. I don’t like the ones that are all short and squat. No rinkydink dicks for me, please. I don’t mean to be rude or picky … well, maybe I do. It’s just that I’m a grown woman and I want what I want! And I want a normal-sized dick, not one that makes me wince when you put it in!

I’m just saying that the huge ones, well, they hurt. They give me UTIs even when I pee like three times: before, maybe during and immediately after. Even with a hefty helping of lube, they still kinda hurt! It’s not like I have some tiny high-maintenance vagina; I’ve had sex with a bunch of dudes, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. But the last two dudes I’ve slept with were packing some serious heat and I was not prepared for it in the slightest. The last one had me sore for three days!

Have you ever fucked a dude doggy-style when he’s wielding a big ole weapon between his legs? I like it doggy-style but goddamn! I did it last night and I thought he was going to push so hard that my cervix would come out of my mouth! Like, if your dick is really big and thick, give me some warning before you shove it in really hard. I know you’re in the heat of the moment and probably can’t even remember your name, but dudes with big ole dicks gotta have a little etiquette.

Maybe I’m just not used to them. My last two serious boyfriends were pretty average, which was great! Good sex that I could handle for more than ten minutes. And even better at going down on me, which is how it should be anyway. I think dudes with big dicks don’t “work it” as well because they don’t have to, because they think we’re gonna be so impressed with their inches that we won’t think about technique. WRONG.

And you can’t complain that I can’t deep throat it, dude. I’m good at head – legendarily so, in certain circles – but there are a certain number of inches that simply will not go down my throat. It’s impossible. I do not want to “gag on your dick” like you want. Do you really want my barf all over your junk? When you have a big thick dick in your mouth, you have to focus on a) not choking and b) breathing. And then you add in the hands, the tongue motion, making sure you don’t scrape it with your teeth … it’s a ton of work.

And you’re in your thirties! Why are you so interested in slamming your dick into me like a 15-year-old? I thought men would be more considerate when they got older, but I was wrong. They’re still just like, “Fuck yeah! Boning! Let’s fuck this girl’s cervix UP!” I don’t need a pap smear while we’re fucking, dude. That’s what my gyno is for.

I’m a simple girl. I just want a good dick I can wrap myself around comfortably and slide down my throat without wanting to cough up my guts.