Jessica Winters

“I like seeing these millionaires wrapped around my fingers.”

“I admit it: I’ve stooped to snooping on boyfriends on many an occasion.”

“My friends and parents all think he took me to the street corner where we met and got down on one knee and begged me to marry him. In reality, I told him that I was pregnant and that the kid would have my last name.”

“I’m emotionally deformed. While most of my peers have grown up and created adult lives for themselves, I’m still a four-year-old.”

“I just put on so much red lipstick, I pretty much need a paint gun to get it all on.”

“There are some things that are unforgivable. Cheating is one of them.”

“I had visions of putting my child’s head through a wall.”

“There’s good and bad ones, I think. Really tiny ones are weird-looking. I enjoy a hefty avocado-sized sack visually, I suppose.”

“He shoves his mossy tongue into your mouth and then swirls it around rapidly like a helicopter propeller.”

“I’m too pretty to work.”

“I chose to stay to honor the family that we created together. I chose to stay because I can’t imagine my life without him.”

Our vaginas stay the same size no matter how much sex we’ve had.