Jessica Winters

“I ended up in the hospital after my hair caught fire.”

“When we were done, it looked like we had murdered a small animal.”

“It was as if I were being pushed into a tunnel of stars.”

“I think castration is a beautiful thing.”

“Why do you guys have to constantly touch your junk???”

“Telling me to smile. Don’t tell me to smile. I don’t know you.”

“We got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of her vagina.”

“Midnight comes, and she drunkenly pukes on my shoulder, and it runs down my shirt. I then tried not to get sick on her. I failed.”

“After sex, I just wanna snuggle, have a bite to eat, and start binge-watching some Netflix.”

“I make fun of them. Who doesn’t? Small penises are hilarious!”

“I ignore my own resolutions. I just feel kind of good that I make the gesture, you know?”

“My cat, now deceased, peed on my head and pillow while I was sleeping.”