50 Hilarious ‘Anti-Jokes’ That Will Offend Literally Everyone
1.
Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 18, 2014
2.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 5, 2013
3.
Roses are dead.
Violets are dead.
I am a bad gardener.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 9, 2014
4.
What did little Timmy want for Christmas?
Parents.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) October 11, 2014
5.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 9, 2014
6.
You know you're a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 3, 2014
7.
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 11, 2013
8.
Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 8, 2013
9.
If life gives you melons, you are dyslexic.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 15, 2014
10.
Bob: Hey Jim, if you were a caveman, you would die.
Jim: Why?
Bob: Because everybody dies.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) October 5, 2014
11.
FUN FACT: If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 11, 2014
12.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 7, 2014
13.
You know you're fucked when you have a penis in your vagina.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 14, 2013
14.
What's Batman's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 13, 2014
15.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like this is private property and if you don’t leave I will call the police.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 27, 2013
16.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 11, 2014
17.
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) October 4, 2014
18.
What has 9 legs, 4 feet and is orange?
Nothing.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 10, 2014
19.
Hey, the eighties called.
They were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 3, 2014
20.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 6, 2014
21.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But roses can also be white,
And violets should be purple.— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 2, 2014
22.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered sex offender.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 30, 2014
23.
What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 27, 2014
24.
Why can't Tommy the T-Rex clap?
Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 26, 2014
25.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 18, 2014
26.
Guess what I saw today.
Everything I looked at.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 17, 2014
27.
What did the Hungarian say before he went to bed?
"I'm going to bed," but he said it in Hungarian.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 15, 2014
28.
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other blonde was dead so she could not respond.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 6, 2014
29.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 18, 2014
30.
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 5, 2014
31.
How do you get two whales in a car? You can't. Whales are enormous creatures and will not fit in something as relatively small as a car.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) September 4, 2013
32.
Why can't Michael Jackson play table tennis? Because he's dead.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 25, 2013
33.
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 23, 2013
34.
If there are 3 apples, and Johnny takes away 3 of them, how many apples does Johnny have? None, because Johnny got hit by a train.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) August 16, 2013
35.
https://twitter.com/00higgo/status/498814159924891648
36.
A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. After a nice evening, they all leave with a deeper appreciation for each other's religions.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) July 31, 2013
37.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have Alzheimer's, cheese on toast.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) July 11, 2013
38.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) July 8, 2013
39.
If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left? Diabetes. Dave has diabetes.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) July 5, 2013
40.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn't. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking mushroom.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) June 29, 2013
41.
What's meaner than taking candy from a baby? Throwing the baby off a cliff.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) May 20, 2013
42.
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) May 14, 2013
43.
"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains." "That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive."
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) April 29, 2013
44.
Yo momma’s so fat, we are all extremely concerned for her health.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) March 21, 2013
45.
Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) January 30, 2013
46.
You know it's cold when you go outside and it's cold.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) January 25, 2013
47.
Why was the boy crying? Because he had a frog stapled to his face.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) January 21, 2013
48.
Check this one out: 1
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) January 6, 2013
49.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) January 1, 2013
50.
Devastating photo showing the damage caused by the apocalypse: pic.twitter.com/5aFSTONb
— Anti-Joke Cat (@AntiJokeCat) December 21, 2012
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