1.

“Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. FML”

2.

“Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML”

3.

“Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn’t at work, to which I responded, ‘Because you fired me yesterday.’ He didn’t say anything, and hung up. FML”

4.

“Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML”

5.

“Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed ‘Yes Brittany!’ at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML”

6.

“Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? Because he was stealing candy. FML”

7.

“Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn’t speak. FML”

8.

“Today, I went Christmas shopping with my cat. I still haven’t bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. FML”

9.

“Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML”

10.

“Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML”

11.

“Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML”

12.

“Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML”

13.

“Today, and for the past couple of days, my girlfriend’s father has been trying to help me think of a way to propose. I decided to rehearse first, and that’s how my girlfriend walked in on me ‘proposing’ to her dad. FML”

14.

“Today, my husband who asked for a divorce four days ago announced his engagement on Facebook. His new woman’s profile picture is my engagement ring. FML”

15.

“Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said ‘I believe in you, -Mom.’ FML”

16.

“Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were ‘homo’. FML”

17.

“Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, I reflexively said, ‘Your mom’s house.’ FML”

18.

“Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML”

19.

“Today, I volunteered to be auctioned off for charity. I went for $3. FML”

20.

“Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

21.

“Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I’ll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML”

22.

“Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words were, ‘I like the idea of you, but I don’t like you.’ I still don’t know what that means. FML”

23.

“Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said ‘Did I say you could take a picture?’ He replied with, ‘No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?’ I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML”

24.

“Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up drunk to work a few weeks ago did. FML”

25.

“Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML”

26.

“Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML”

27.

“Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes and said, ‘You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street. FML”

28.

“Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML”

29.

“Today, I fell asleep at a work and woke up with a penis sharpied onto my face. I’m a kindergarten teacher. FML”

30.

“Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML”

31.

“Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday, I got my braces of six years removed. FML”

32.

“Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML”

33.

“Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML”

34.

“Today, I burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML”

35.

“Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realized my boyfriend uses Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML”

36.

“Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, ‘You… want me… take picture?’ while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, “No thanks asshole, I got it,’ in plain English. FML”

37.

“Today, I found out that my husband’s secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it’s funny. My husband says it’s just a coincidence. FML”

38.

“Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me ‘Stop!’ The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML”

39.

“Today, I realized it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realized taking a dump is more satisfying. FML”