1. PEED ON MY HEAD WHILE I WAS SLEEPING

“My cat, now deceased, peed on my head and pillow while I was sleeping.”

2. LICKED MY MORNING WOOD

“My fiancée’s cat licked my morning wood. I’m extremely paranoid about sleeping naked now.”

3. KNOCKED MY MOTHER-IN-LAW’S ASHES OFF THE MANTLE

“My cat knocked the urn containing the ashes of my mother-in-law off the mantle. I wasn’t too mad; she treated my cat like shit for no reason.”

4. SHAT ON MY MOTHER’S SHOULDER

“My cat shat on my mother’s shoulder while we were driving.”

5. JUMPED ON MY GRANDMA…AND GRANDMA FELL AND DIED

“When I was 13 I had a cat, a furry nice Persian cat. He always hung out with my grandma, who was 87 at the time. She always cuddled and cherished the little guy; he was definitely what my grandma needed after her last surgery (femur) that left her deeply depressed and almost incapable of walking. Well, one summer night the little cat tried to jump on my grandma’s lap as she was walking out of her room. Grandma got scared, lost her balance, tried to grab a hold of the nearest ledge, but couldn’t. Me and my dad observed the whole scene as we were sitting at a table no more than four meters away from her. Before we could react and aid her, she was already falling down the stairs. Grandma died, the cat was gifted to my cousins. Sad day that was.”

6. TRIED TO KILL A JEHOVAH’S WITNESS

“My cat tried to kill a Jehovah’s Witness. Not your typical ‘Give me $.25 for a FREE Watchtower’ Jehovah’s Witness. This one was a doom and gloom and the world is ending guy. Normally I wouldn’t waste my time but this guy started talking about crime getting worse and the downfall of all mankind. While I was about to lay some truth on him my cat went into full puff mode, yowled and lunged for his shoelaces. He stumbled and came close to falling down the stairs. Fortunately this convinced him that either the cat or I was the Devil and he hurried off.”

7. PISSED IN MY ROOMMATE’S WEDDING CAKE

“My old cat jumped up on the stove and pissed in my roommate’s birthday cake.”

8. PEED IN THE VENT

“Cat peed in the vent. Cat then kept trying to pee in the vent. The entire house smelled of cat piss for as long as it took us to replace the several feet of vent and sub-flooring stained by said multiple streams of cat piss.”

9. HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED THE FART OF A CAT?

“Fart. Have you ever smelled the fart of a cat? My nose barely works and it was the worst smell I’ve ever smelled…”

10. SKINNED A RABBIT ALIVE AND DROPPED IT IN MY BED WHILE I WAS ASLEEP

“My sister’s cat Melanie, who loved me more than my sister, caught a full-grown rabbit, skinned it alive, and then drug it into my bed while I was asleep. I woke up hearing this strange squeaking noise, sat up, and noticed that my entire bed was basically covered in blood. Melanie was purring and licked my face. I screamed. My father heard me, ran down the stairs, and pretty much lost his shit too. As did my mom a few seconds later. The worst part was yet to come—having to take that poor bunny outside and kill it. Christ, Melanie, that was really fucked-up.”

11. PILES OF MOUSE ENTRAILS

“When my cat was younger, he would catch mice, eat the rear and leave the front for us, often plated up on a pile of entrails. It was disturbing and sweet at the same time. He either wanted to share or wanted to kill me by making me trip over mouse head and entrails.”

12. DROPPED A SLITHERING SNAKE AT MY FEET

“I had a retarded cat when I was younger. I don’t mean that as an insult; he was very truly mentally retarded. That is what made him awesome! He would fight his reflection in the mirror for 2-3 hours at a time. What made him suck was his penchant for catching live animals and presenting them to me all the goddamn time! Usually it was birds, but once it was a very confused snake. I’m not scared of snakes, but when one is delivered lovingly at my feet and began to slither…my boxer-brief budget for the month went up fairly quickly.”

13. SHIT INTO THE SOUND HOLE OF MY GUITAR

“Our cat shit into the sound hole of my guitar. Whenever someone bitches about getting a pick out of their guitar, I tell them this story.”

14. STOLE MICE FROM THE NEIGHBOR’S PYTHON

“My cat would frequently come home with a dead mouse in his mouth. We couldn’t figure out where he was getting all these mice ’til the neighbor came by and told us Mr. Chips (the cat) was climbing into the neighbor’s python glass enclosure and taking the snake’s food (i.e., the mice).”

15. MARINATING MY BALLS IN FRESH CAT PISS FOR AN HOUR

“It was the last load of a move to another state. On the hour and a half drive, with everything I owned in the back of my truck, my cat rode up front with me. It was January and freakin’ cold outside, there was no room in the back of the truck for his carrier anyway, and he mostly just stood on my legs between me and the steering wheel and looked out of the window. This was a 25-pound cat wearing a medium dog collar. And he wasn’t fat, he was just a monster-sized cat. I’m half an hour into my drive, I’m going around a two-lane exit ramp with a gasoline tanker next to me. The cat looked up at me, and I swear to FSM he smiled. Then proceeded to piss all over my lap. I’m trying to catch the pee in my right hand and throw it in the passenger’s floor, but it’s too much too fast. It’s soaking through my pants, I’m still next to a gasoline tanker going around a corner, and trying not to hit anything or roll the truck. He finally finishes peeing on me, looks up and meows again, while smiling. The rest of the trip was with the windows down in January while it’s 20 degrees outside so I don’t gag on the ammonia fumes, and I’m also marinating my balls in fresh cat piss for the next hour. Big Fun!”