1. ATE SHIT AND THEN TRIED TO KISS ME

“My dogs like to eat shit and then try to kiss me.”

2. BARFED INTO MY OPEN, SNORING MOUTH

“While camping my dog barfed into my open, snoring mouth.”

3. PULLED A $20 BILL FROM MY POCKET

“My dog was sitting next to me on the couch nuzzling against my hip. I thought it was cute until I looked down and caught him pulling a $20 out of my pocket. He’s stolen my watch a few times.”

4. PEED ON A GUY’S WHEELCHAIR

“My dog ate all my shoes and Xmas decorations like a Styrofoam Santa and reindeer with lights when he was a big pup. Also peed on a guy’s wheelchair.”

5. ATE ANOTHER DOG’S FACE

“One of my stepdad’s Chows ate the face off another one of his Chows. They did not like each other. Apparently female Chows can be extremely aggressive towards one another.”

6. KILLED EIGHT OTHER DOGS

“My pet was a Saint Bernard and to date has killed 8 dogs. Its way too powerful to be handled by a human and if on a walk it decides to go crazy, we literally can’t keep him from charging on another dog. Unfortunately the 8th dog it killed, he literally ate him half and due to some blood infection died a week later. :( So much for a serial dog killer.”

7. HERDED FIVE SHEEP INTO THE OCEAN

“My dog herded 5 sheep into the ocean. They just disappeared into the sea. Grandpa wasn’t happy.”

8. ATE PLASTIC, SHAT IT OUT, ATE IT AGAIN

“My mutt—a Great Dane, Labrador mix once ate some kind of plastic. When it finally made its way through him—it got stuck in his ass and he couldn’t get it out. Finally he reaches around with his head, pulls the plastic out of his ass, and proceeds to eat it all over again. God I loved that goofy-ass dog.”

9. TOOK A MASSIVE DUMP, WHICH THE ROOMBA SPREAD EVERYWHERE

“Dog took a massive dump in my apartment. Then the Roomba scheduled to run mid-day did its job. Spread poop fucking EVERYWHERE!”

10. RAN RIGHT INTO A CAR

“I used to have a King Charles Cavalier that was dumb as fuck. One time he sprinted down the middle of a road toward an incoming car. The driver tried to brake, but my stupid dog kept running straight at it. Right before impact the car comes to a complete standstill, my dog slams into it, knocks itself down and gets up looking baffled. I miss the stupid little runt.”

11. ATE A HUGE HOLE IN OUR BED

“Our coonhound literally ate our bed. It’s a memory foam mattress and he ripped the blankets and sheets off and ate a huge hole right In the middle of the mattress, then pissed in it. Goddamn he’s so stupid. He also eats panties. He’s a pervert.”

12. ATE ALL MY HASHISH

“My dog once ate my stash. An eighth of an ounce of hashish. I was totally terrified—do I call the vet? What do I say? Would the vet report me to the cops? I had a very responsible job at the time and worried that I’d get sacked if I got busted. Poor dog was ill for three days. I was such a selfish shit. Luckily she pulled through.”

13. ROUTINELY PISSES ON HIMSELF

“My Boston Terrier routinely pisses on himself. He goes out and hikes his leg only to piss into his own chest and legs. Other than that he eats turds out of the cat box and pukes them back onto the floor later.”

14. ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

“This was when I was about 12. I’d say around 7 years ago. My mom just bought her dream dog this adorable little shithead Yorkie, who was two pounds at the time, named Monster. My mom was out of the house shopping leaving me in charge if the dog. Somehow he managed to climb on top of our kitchen counter, take a look of hatred into my very soul, and then took this leap of faith onto our hardwood floors. He hit hard, yelped and then seized up for about 20 minutes while I was on the phone with my mom bawling my fucking eyes out because I just witnessed a puppy suicide attempt. He’s still alive and he’s four-pound fur ball of asshole.”

15. SHOWED MY DILDO TO MY MOM AND HER FRIENDS

“My dog is really not to blame here, but he did cause the chaos that ensued. During the first year I came out as gay to my family and friends my football friends (jocks) decided it would be hilarious to buy me a 9-inch dildo that resembled the penis of a gay porn star for my birthday. I opened it up and it was the most veiny, flesh-colored penis I had even seen. I kept the gift in my closet for about 2 weeks since I had not planned on ever using it. One day my room became such a mess that I had a major cleaning day (washing clothes, dusting) when I moved on to cleaning out my closet, the box fell out and I decided to open it and curiously look at the thing. I left it on my bed and finished up all my cleaning. I grabbed a fresh pair of underwear and jumped in the shower. A few minutes in and I hear my dog bark, which means someone rang the doorbell. My mom had some friends and co-workers over to chat in the living room. As soon as I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, I heard my mom scream! Never heard her scream like that, I ran out of the shower with just a towel still dripping wet. When I get to the living room, my dog Thaddius is munching on this dildo in front of all these women. I initially did not react because this seemed so unreal. The moment Thaddius saw me, he began thrashing this dildo in an attempt to kill it. As he did that, he smacked everyone in the leg with it. I grabbed it by the head as he had it by the base and dragged him and the dildo back to my room. To this day we have not talked about it.”