13 Basic Hygiene Tips For Basic Bitches

1. Do not reuse your tampons—EVER.

By their very design, tampons are made to be used only once and then safely discarded in a nearby waste receptacle.

2. Do not shave your face with men’s razors.

It’s a scientific fact that the hair might start growing back—and stronger than ever, too.

3. Whenever you make a #2, always flush twice “just to be sure.”

Heartbreak has befallen many a woman who failed to conceal visual evidence that she is able to defecate.

4. Use man-flavored aerosol sprays to cover up the smell after you make a #2.

A common mistake that women use when attempting to cover the odor of their bowel movements is that they choose aerosol sprays with flavors that women like—things such as rose, lavender, and French vanilla. Men, on the other hand, are said to favor scents such as pumpkin pie and maple syrup. Choose your bathroom aerosol sprays with this knowledge in mind.

5. Do not use too much makeup, or you may never be able to get it off your face.

As with hard drugs, makeup is made to be used sparingly. There are hundreds of documented scientific cases where women piled up so much makeup on their faces over a lifetime, it was impossible to find their original face.

6. If a man has accidentally left his condom inside you, remove it at once.

His male fluids may contain a sexual disease, a future baby, or a future baby that already has a sexual disease.

7. Never wear the same clothes two days in a row.

Studies have shown that if women don’t shower and change their clothes daily, certain dangerous fungi and mold spores may suddenly start sprouting all over their body.

8. Deodorant isn’t enough.

You also need to use a good anti-perspirant, a dash of talcum powder, some body spray, and a pungent perfume of your choice.

9. Make a note to clip your toenails.

A lot of women have good intentions and truly wish that they would clip their toenails regularly. However, amid the hustle and bustle of this modern-day world, women often forget. That’s why it’s important to make little notes to yourself.

10. Make sure there’s always extra shampoo in your house.

Because sometimes you may run out of regular soap before you’ve had a chance to go shopping.

11. Brush your hair at least twice daily.

This will help remove lice and other harmful parasites from your head.

12. Swallow your mouthwash.

(This is only recommended for non-alcoholic women and girls of legal drinking age in their respective state.) Every once in a while I like to swallow my mouthwash because otherwise I feel like I never really know if I’ve truly “gotten to the bottom” of my bad breath.

13. In an emergency, it’s OK to turn your panties inside-out.

So, like, if you’re camping or something, or let’s say the washers in your apartment building are out of order, it’s OK to turn your panties inside-out and wear them for another day or two. It feels better and it also lessens the chances of further infection.