10 Things We'll Miss if the World Ends on May 21

Ned Berger

The world is ending on May 21st! That’s what all the people hanging around Madison Square Garden have been trying to tell me lately as they block my way to Sbarro a cool indie lunch spot with their neon pamphlets and dramatic sandwich boards and smug yet gravely concerned grins.

If you haven’t seen them or their subway ads, a group of Christian activists, inspired by prophecy-obsessed radio star Harold Camping, is going around New York and the world proclaiming that Jesus has selected May 21, 2011 for the Rapture, i.e. Judgment Day, i.e. the staging of his J.Lo-on-American-Idol-esque comeback. They’re like a flashmob, but with less choreography and slightly more insistent that an earthquake is going to strike the whole world at 6 p.m. (Eastern time?) on May 21. Why May 21? Well, tons of good reasons! Like, Noah’s Ark happened precisely 7,000 years ago to the day that we can totally determine by no one knows, really, and other sexy logic like crucifixion numerology.

But come on, Jesus! I don’t want the world to end on May 21. I still have stuff to do, like guzzle white zinfandel on my fire escape all summer. Can you at least come back in the middle of February? If you really come back Saturday, you’re going to be a total buzzkill for all the cool stuff that Earth has planned for the future. Such as:

1. May 24 is Hug Your Cat Day. Who is going to hug your cat if the world ends? Nicolas Cage?
2. The semifinals and finals of my own personal “See Which Hipster Dude in Williamsburg can Wear the Tightest Jorts This Summer” contest that I’m having, with myself.
3. The Bachelorette is starting up again on May 23! Do they get ABC from heaven? What about hell? Something tells me Beezlebub might be the only one still watching Private Practice. Related: I bet the layers of hell are set up like a Wipeout obstacle course. Anyone? Dante?
4. Someday, if only due to sheer exhaustion, people who do the Neti pot will stop trying to convince me to do the Neti pot, and I want to see that day.
5. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will eventually grow up and, depending on her rumored “gender dysmorphia tendencies,” hopefully will get with either Kingston Rossdale or Suri Cruise.
6. May 25 is “Change Every Picture on the Internet to a Cat GIF Day.” Ok, fine, I made that up, but let’s make it happen, heathens!
7. What happens at the end of Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, because I’ve been 1/3 of the way through for about a year now and let’s be honest, it will definitely be post-Jesuspocalypse by the time I finish it.
8. The Republicans are allegedly going to pick someone to run against Obama and it might be Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Levi Johnston, Miley Cyrus, or a beanbag chair with sticks for arms. I want to know! I’m tentatively team Miley.
9. The Annual O. Henry Pun-Off is happening in Austin, Texas, on May 21. What if you’re Pun All-Star Numero Uno, coasting your way to victory, about to drop a perfect nugget of comedy involving “fish” and “dam!” only to get cockblocked by one of those angels with a long trumpet?
10. If we all keep texting and Tweeting so much and so forth, our heads might soon be replaced with 360-degree rotating iPads. COOL! Then someday Jesus can just send a Facebook spam to let us all know he’s coming back: “Can you BELIEVE what the four horsemen of the apocalypse are up to in this video?!?!?! I can’t believe it! CLICK HERE!!”

Never mind the fact that peeps also predicted Jesus was also due to come back in 1844, 1981, Sept. 27, 1994 (Camping’s earlier prediction, oops!) and August 22, 2006 (hat tip to Glenn Beck), and that technically the Bible says “LOL you guys are all dumb for making guesses anyway.” Hey, all that fire and brimstone might finally kill the bedbugs! But I’m convinced that the world will REALLY end with all the smug people that can successfully do the Neti pot triumphing over the rest of us allergy-ridden-but-afraid-of- drowning suckers with their smarmingly clear sinus cavities.