Losing You Helped Me Find Myself

Losing you was the most beautifully constructed tragedy that has ever happened to me. And I thank God or whatever higher power there is that made it all possible.

I was left to pick up all of the sharp, broken pieces of glass you scattered at my feet. Food was unappetizing. Breathing became hard. Death was a friend I encouraged to visit time and time again. I was just a soul trapped in the skin of a woman who thought a man defined her worth.

The days were long and they were hard. I saw you in every street, heard you in every song, and became convinced that all of my days would revolve around my memory of your scent and the taste of your skin.

I battled the thoughts of you with her, unsure how someone was capable of moving on and starting over so fast. I compared myself to her, down to the moles on our skin and the parting of our hair.

I became a work of art, a masterpiece inspired by your cold heart and abandonment. But even on my weakest days, weeks, and months, I was still stronger than you ever were.

I dealt with this alone. I had thought I had hit rock bottom, but then the floor fell beneath my feet and I was 6 feet under, struggling to find the courage to crawl back to reality.

My sleepy eyes would search for you in the morning, only to realize you were gone. I had to accept an empty bed, knowing full well you were in the arms of another woman.

I did not have someone there at my beck and call, filling my days with words of love and encouragement. I did not have a hand to hold or arms to sleep in. I did not share dinners over candlelight and late nights of Netflix and great sex. No, no.

I was no longer a duo, seen as someone’s partner. I was my own and I had to find my way.
I was forced to make sense of a life without you in it. I discovered new hobbies, true interests, and what it felt like to be alone and okay. I remembered how nice it was to sprawl out in a bed of my own. I did not have to ask where we should get dinner because I was already at my favorite restaurant, eating my favorite foods.

I was no longer waiting for a text, plans to be made, or a goodnight kiss. I did what I wanted, kissed who I wanted, and did it all without your approval.

I learned to enjoy backroad drives without your voice belting out every song. I learned how to binge watch new seasons and continue watching our shows by myself. I survived the holidays without you and your family, and instead, remembered how thankful I am for the family that is mine.

I did not need constant reassurance from a significant other that I was a good, loving, beautiful human being. I rediscovered this truth all on my own, without you.
See, I thought I was in a world full of darkness when you left.

But I realized that you were blocking the sun…my light…and your absence made the darkness go away.

Now my days are brighter, my heart is lighter, and I am free of your constraints. And for that, I am forever grateful.