Jessica Blankenship

In a perfect world of fat bank accounts and a line of friends with magically empty bedrooms, you would be able to retreat to friendlier real estate as soon as your relationship crumbled.

If Chris Brown and Rihanna are aware enough of the range of their audience to use it for their professional advantage, they are engaged in a contract with the public, the other side of which says “You are responsible for the image you portray, and the morals you personify.”

Coming out of an utterly painful-to-watch likeability meltdown in 2012, the Republican Party is attempting to dig out of the dog days of public disapproval via a campaign to introduce a little, um, color into their party.

Suffice to say that I’m not anywhere close to getting married. But I’ve got a pretty raging heart-boner for throwing — and starring in — a wedding.

This song sounds like the Baby Jesus ringing a single bell into a clear night sky to signal the first flake of snow falling. I believe this song has actual restorative powers.

Canadians, I’m not going to pretend I understand what kind of frigid, weird things you guys are into. I assume frost-addled sex parts have to do desperate things to thaw out.

To affirm your thorough awareness of and concern for a neighborhood, be sure to talk a lot about the “spaces” in it, which is the preferred way to refer to any building, or room in a building, (or yard or alley, which are referred to as “outdoor spaces”.)

It is not possible to be friends with an ex.

Current Secretary of Defense Leon “Luscious Puppy Jowls” Panetta is on his way out, but before he hands over command of his office, he’s blowing everyone’s faces off by doing right by gays and women in the military.

A pretty undeniable example of someone we just shouldn’t tell jokes about: Trayvon Martin.

No single woman is an island. This is what friends are for.

Get day drunk at any bar that doesn’t have TVs. Drunkenly shout at the bartender like he’s a ref who made a bad call. Tip heavily at the end.