Interview With A First-Time Father-To-Be

When you’re a woman and you find out you’re expecting a babyfriend, you promptly make haste to ye olde Barnes & Noble to pick up all the requisite reading material to turn you into a bona fide Totally Over-Informed First-Time Mother. Even for the least maternal among us, we still seek oodles of information about our weird, knocked-up bodies, the parasites living inside them for the better part of a year, and especially how the hell to go about expelling them at the end of the whole thing. And then, of course, what to do with the real, live baby. All very good stuff to know.

On the other testicle, men can be notoriously foot-draggy when it comes to studying up on the whole pregnancy/birth/baby thing. Perhaps this is because those lucky goddamn jerks get to keep their bodies the same as ever, and as such, don’t have biology reminding them that 9 months goes faster than you think. So a little compassion is in order; we put off things all the time because it seems like we have all the time in the world with which to accomplish them. So I love my baby’s daddy, I do. And I’m not going to judge him for all the things he has yet to learn. I’m happy to help him through the learning process.

Wait, wait…did I say “help him”? Ha, sorry. I meant, “completely exploit his ignorance and put it on the internet for public entertainment at his expense.” Damn, “pregnancy brain” is making me sooooo bad with mixing up words these days!

Explain the infrastructure of a lady’s anatomy during pregnant times?

The cervix is like the drawbridge to the castle of your uterus where the baby is king. The cord is the wagon to transport nutrients the king needs to grow big and strong. The placenta, apparently, is a like a sleeping bag…I guess that’s inside the uterus, his sleeping bag. And whenever you eat nuggets, they bounce around and he eats them like Pac Man. Just north of the castle is where your gullet starts. Some people think that’s where the baby is but they’re wrong. You’re gullet makes way for King Baby.

Do you want to explain what happens to my boobs?

They’re just filled with milk. That’s what we had in elementary school, bags of milk, loosely based on the boob. But no, your boobs don’t just fill up with milk alone, there are, like, layers of insulation to keep the milk cold, right?

Yes

Another theory is that they’re filled with blood like an erect penis. The truth is, no one knows for sure.

Only with vampires babies

Oh, don’t get me started on what happens with vampire babies.

Explain childbirth

Cervix is dilated. Starts totally closed, opens up slowly…*imitates doctor voice* “Cervix is dilated to 9 centimeters” so you’re getting close. Oh and the water breaks at some point. In the movies, no one wears panties and the “water breaking” is like a tidal wave that will land on at least one person’s shoes.

Do you know what the “water” is?

I’m guessing it’s not water. It’s gotta be some kind of fluid. If I had to make a guess, I’d say it’s the stuff the baby is floating about in. And then someone’s like, ‘It’s time to come out, baby, your fluid is leakin’.’

What happens during delivery?

So that thing opens up and the baby reaches a hand out. You gotta do that dance, so the head comes out first like a torpedo, so you gotta dance it out. You want the head coming out first otherwise there are complications and you have to deal with that. Once the head is out, the big fat head, your business is loosened so the rest of it just slides right out. It might be a little more work but I think at that point, the hard part is over.

How long does labor last?

If you’re lucky, just a few hours. If you’re unlucky, it could go on for days or even weeks.

What is the most important responsibility for the dad during pregnancy?

To take the brunt of the abuse. Whatever abuse has to come from any direction, you’re there like a scapegoat or an offensive lineman. Absorb and deflect.

What is the most important role for the dad during labor and delivery?

Same thing, and get away from the business end. Don’t look down there. According to you, at least. (That’s true.)

What happens when you get home with the new baby?

First thing we do is introduce him to the cats. We say, “Listen, cats. Look at this guy. This is your new friend. Try to be gentle because it’s just a sack of water.”

And then you gotta get on Facebook and tell everybody and be like, “Look what we did, we did it”. Well, you take turns bragging on Facebook; one of you is watching the baby, making sure he’s doing his business, and the other one is bragging on the Internet. Then you show him around, give him the tour…”This is where we make all the food; this is where the books are, in case you wanna read anything,” and so on. And before long, he’s probably pooping everywhere, so you gotta deal with that.