Jeremy Helligar

You don’t give people a chance. On your 28th birthday, on the way to dinner with you and your friend Dave, she read you like a book. She said you give up on people too easily, and that’s why you were chronically single. Dave agreed.

Every story – even love stories that have been over for years, or decades – can be rebooted in an instant. It’s not until the real end, death without quotation marks, that “closure” in the truest sense of the word can be achieved, and then, only for those who are no longer around to benefit from it.

“Congratulations, Bangkok!” I said to the city as we exited and beelined to DJ Station, where the thrills were more PG-13. “You’ve accomplished the impossible. You’ve made sex totally unsexy.”

Start the Facebook campaign now! For all the pomp and circumstance of his music, Groban has the sort of sharp, self-deprecating humor that many of his superstar peers lack. When people make fun of his classical-pop musical style (and I will admit, I’ve taken some shots at it), I can imagine Groban laughing right along with them.

…But George Clooney? Yes, he’s been rocking salt-and-pepper hair since he became A-list. And yes, he’s clearly out of Zac Efron’s demographic. But he’s the sexiest man alive. How could he be hitting the half-century mark on the day before my birthday?

Here we go again. The years may change, but every December 31, the questions remain the same. Do I splurge on an overpriced, underwhelming dinner at a restaurant where the criminal intent is to rob special-occasion thrill-seekers blind?

Once again, I respectfully dissent. This time, with the Oscar prognosticators, whose general consensus is that Annette Bening is egregiously overdue. I understand where they’re coming from: She’s a first-rate actress and one of the few who has allowed herself to age gracefully onscreen. She also accomplished the seemingly impossible Hollywood task of taming Warren Beatty. But how overdue is she?

The downside: If it’s possible to pay your bills, watch movies, listen to music, or have an entire romance by pressing a keypad, why bother leaving the house at all? Feeling horny? Get laid with Grindr, or have text sex. Pretty much the only things we can’t do with online technology are exercise and go to the bathroom, but I’m sure someone is working on it.

Unlike the Dawson’s Creek gang, who worked phrases like “statute of limitations on mourning a break-up” into everyday conversation, these teens actually talk like teens, and this L.A. zip code isn’t populated by the sort of stereotypical archetypes that dominated The O.C. Liam is supposed to be the tortured, brooding hunk (see Dylan and The O.C.’s Ryan), but he isn’t just that.

Why do the major networks keep recycling the same dozen or so actors in bad shows? There are so many talented daytime soap stars dying to transition into prime-time TV. Film stars whose big-screen roles have begun to dry up, so TV is looking like a better option.

Abraham Lincoln is ready for his close-up. After years of starts and stops, and the coming and going of leading man Liam Neeson, who recently admitted that he probably is now too old for the part, director Steven Spielberg finally will bring Lincoln to the big screen.

When it comes to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve always been in something of a gray zone. She’s beautiful and talented, and I loved her in movies like Emma, Sliding Doors and even Shallow Hal. But she’s always kind of annoyed me, too. Maybe it’s the combination of physical perfection and her affectation of superiority and extreme erudition in interviews.

Surprise! Not only was the talent on display at the drag pageant just as impressive as anything you’d see televised on Miss USA or Miss Universe, but it involved so much more than lip-synching to Garland, Streisand, Cher and Madonna. And the turnout was massive.

He falls in love with Robin at first sight, foolishly tells her so on their first date, and then makes the dumbest lovesick moves to get her. He’s neurotic, obsessive, nerdy, and a little more into her than she’s into him. So far, so Ross. But unlike Ross, who was genuinely nice to a fault, Ted can be such a douche bag.

As for Vaughn, Howard and The Dilemma, they’re off the hook with me. It’s obvious from the context of the joke that gay people are not the intended target. If anything, the movie is guilty of delivering a joke that simply isn’t funny, not one that is homophobic or that spreads a message of hate.

Franco was on my Oscar-predictions list all season long, and and won an Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Male. I still think he was robbed by the Academy, which didn’t even nominate him.

I read recently in Time magazine that the 2011 Oscar race for Best Picture might be a done deal: The King’s Speech is the one to beat. It’s a period film about how George VI, King-Emperor of the British Empire, overcame a crippling stammer, with the help of his speech therapist Lionel Logue, and led the country through World War II.

But that’s not all that’s bugging me today. What about those phrases that are sturdily constructed, perfectly spelled, but nonetheless make little sense? Here are the worst repeat offenders, some of the strangest things people say in English.