Jeremy Glass

So I’d be on the street, desperately asking anyone who came by: “Hey, got a second for animal rights?!” I was yelled at, ignored, and laughed at.

Through the power of deduction and, again, uncomfortable sexual tension, we learn Helen Hunt and Paxton were once married and chased tornadoes together — probably while uncomfortably sexual.

Most of my life-changing moments of clarity come to me around three in the morning after a hefty dose of crying and a couple Klonopin.

What’s cute about this one is that it was given by a girl who could only be described as “everything the opposite of what a puppy evokes.” That is, she wasn’t warm, fuzzy, or sweet.

As far as fictional bands go, there are those who can capture the sound flawlessly, and then there are some who fall flat.

The moment she burst into my room and said the words I had always dreaded to hear, “Jeremy, Adam won’t wake up…” I felt a sense of comfort.

John Tyler did some serious work in the White House — and I’m not talking about the 1844 Treaty of Wanghia — he fathered 15 children with two different women in his 71 years on this planet.

I was assured — no, promised — that, by the time I reached 18, I’d be writing in cursive. Guess what never happened: by age 18, I was writing in cursive.

It’s only going to be really sad when I’m doing this at age 30 and I still have under $50 in my checking account… but being 25 gives you some serious leeway to be fiscally irresponsible and permanently hungry.