Jeremy Glass

Unbeknownst to most of my friends, this little box of stories has followed me around from each and every apartment I’ve lived in for the past four years.

Look, fast food is totally delicious and all…but it will eventually kill you. So, if you’re looking for a really unique way to commit suicide, I suggest popcorn-shrimping yourself to death.

I could write a whole spiel about my distaste for the great American scam that is the unpaid internship, but I digress.

Audiences need to let go of their inhibitions and ease themselves back into the world of the Bluths.

3. Taking a huge sip of beer as someone tells me something sad, then choking on the beer and spitting it all over their fifty-page thesis.

She was my waitress at some restaurant and I jokingly left her my business card, not thinking she’d actually text me.

So your penis is gigantic. What’s up with that?

Summer trumps everything. It removes the somber from the somber-laden, rejuvenates the spirit, stirs the vapors, and trumps the prescription meds.

We can’t jump off bridges anymore because our iPhones will get ruined. We can’t take skinny dip in the ocean, because there’s no service on the beach and and adventures aren’t real unless they’re on Instagram.

Now, what brought Jesus back to life is still a mystery to me, though I am inclined to believe a giant bunny aided the process.

I’m glad everyone’s having such a great time talking about that moment in their lives when they achieved an all-knowing state through a computer game.

I put so much terrible food in my body that, at this point, my stomach has grown as immunity to the worst kinds of bacteria present in low-grade meat, spoiled eggs, regular plutonium, or whatever.