Jeffrey Ellinger

I am prone to get turned down for less than what, and I am dying.

Which is the endgame for anyone with Twitter, that they would do well enough outside of it that they would never need to use it again.

I wish I knew more about balancing equations or gold mining or betting on horses. But my specialty is solipsistic blog posts, and I’m afraid it will always be.

I was once taken to see the baby chicks. They moved like a blanket of fluff. They sounded like a million yellow phones all getting text alerts at once.

Hire me and I’ll start following all of you on Twitter. And when I come to New York we’ll have a drink and laugh and share many inside jokes.

26. You miss out on meeting a variety of failed artists, mostly male writers.

And I guess that’s depressing, but watching football on TV is better than watching it live so I don’t know why it has to be so different for traveling. I know it’s different, except, as Chuck Klosterman would say, when it isn’t.

But that probably won’t happen, or it will, who knows, life is a bunch of risks!

A fragile meatstick is born unto the world.

Jenny Slate, The Easter Parade, Pho…

Collectives, Online dating, Self-published fiction…

Date a guy who farts. Go to his place. Bring Yankee Candles, an oil reed diffuser and potpourri. Offer them as gifts. Say you always give flowery things to the ones you’re really interested in.