The Reasons Behind Why God Made Your Favorite Animals

Last night I prayed, and a vision came to me. It was God. He wanted to tell me why He made the animals. I already knew Adam named them – hagfish, alpaca, axolotl, tapir and so on – but God had the bigger job, to breathe into each one of them a purpose. Now, after last night, I’ve got that hot sticky breath all over me.

Unfortunately, though, we don’t have time for every animal’s purpose, as that would be a very long blog post, and also I write for Relevant Magazine and Rob Bell’s blog and for Mars Hill in Seattle, so I’m busy. But I can relate a few. I can carry the burden of all this knowledge. I can be a modern-day Joseph Smith.

Birds –  “Not all birds,” God said, “but most birds, their job is to get up every morning and yell, I’m a bird! Can you hear me? I’m a bird right now! Though a few, like eagles or hawks, I also made them to toughen young children, as you can see here.” (God then passed me a tablet to watch the video. I was glad to find he uses Android.)

Sharks – “I made sharks so they could be the subject of science reports for 12-year-old boys. And so people would have something to be afraid of if they lived in Hawaii. Otherwise, and I knew this would happen when I made that place, people wouldn’t live anywhere else.”

Puppies – “So you people would have a reason to live. Also I was curious to see if someone would eat one because it was so cute. Hasn’t happened yet, but I do worry.”

Kitties – “I could see in the future, yes, but originally I made cats to eat rodents, like everything else. A prevailing theme in my plan, if you’ll notice, is for things to eat rodents, and fish. There is so much death in the ocean. You have no idea.”

Spiders – “I knew someday a man would need something to dominate and kill when he is otherwise unable to provide his partner with support, emotionally or financially or sexually.”

Dinosaurs – “So Ken Ham could have a museum, and so introverted science kids could have a hobby. Also Jurassic Park, the first one.”

Gorillas – “I wanted to see how long humans would spend arguing over whether or not they evolved from something else. So far, we’re at centuries.”

Dolphins – “If you guys ever die out, these guys take over.”

Goats – “To show how cute babies can be if they have springs in their feet and run around like on little trampolines.”

Cows – “I guess I was just wanted to see if you guys would every get curious enough to drink milk from the teats of other animals. Turns out, you definitely are.”

Pigs – “Bacon. Next.”

Chickens – “As a lynchpin in philosophical arguments about how things begin.”

Zebras – “As a model for the Little Debbie desert cakes.”

Panda Bears – “To show that not all animals want to have sex all the time. Also, so a musician in Brooklyn could have a band name for his solo albums.”

Panthers – “Panthers were made to show how awesome and cool and sly animals can be. And also to show that no matter how awesome and cool and sly animals are, if enough humans are around, every one of those animals will die.”

Mammoths – “So the saber-toothed tiger would have something to eat.”

Saber-toothed tigers – “To get mammoths into shape.”

Bugs – “The main reason I made bugs was to remind people that camping is horrible. So be thankful for houses.”

Narwhals – “I haven’t told you about unicorns, but what do you think narwhals once were?”

Turtles – “Understand, when you see a turtle crossing the road, that’s when I’m watching more than ever.”

Elephants – “Because, baby elephants.”

Sloths –  “To show how chill an animal can be.”

Whales – “Whales are the best thing I ever made. No purpose beyond that, and there doesn’t need to be.”

Jellyfish – “Honestly? To mess with rich people on vacation in tropical areas.”

Sea Lions – “I wanted to see how high an orca could toss one of those things out of the water.” (At this point, God tipped back his chair and started signing “Circle of Life” for a good twenty minutes. Which, looking back at it, was from first sign of something not being right.)

Deer – “So insecure white men in the Midwest of America can have an opportunity to kill something with a gun so they can have an erection at least once a year.”

Moose – “Same reason, but for Canadians.”

Octopus – “I was going through a weird phrase, to be honest.”

Starfish –  “To show that I could give every one of you all the superpowers in the world, but I didn’t.”

Seahorses – “Gender is a label you put on yourselves.”

Buffaloes – “To remind you guys how easy it is to wipe out an entire species, if it means you’ll make money.”

Squirrels – “Just more or less for roadkill. How many more are left?”

Manatees – “So all the other sea creatures could feel good about themselves.”

Rhinoceros – “I made the rhino for prideful reasons. I wanted to see how big a ‘donger’ could get.” (This is when I really started to wonder if I was talking to God.)

Giraffes – “Because there was so much foliage going to the waste at the tops of trees.”

Scorpions – “I liked how their stingers were ‘ouchy.'” (Then I was sure I wasn’t talking to God. So who was it?)

Bees – “For honey and pollination, and so young people could find out about sex, but that was a long time ago before the internet. Now anyone can go online and find out more than they need to know at a much younger age. Also, my name is Al Gore. I should have never invented the internet. It’s a terrible place. But animals are nice. It’s just too bad they’re all going to be gone soon.”

Then the guy got in his spaceship and flew away. It was a wild night.