100 Tweets Everyone Can Use To Gain Followers And Be Popular
40. If you're a writer married to another writer I hope at least your divorce is amicable
1. Wonder if the Dalai Lama ever thinks ‘hey, that’s a bit too much deference,’ or if he’s always like ‘hey, just right on the deference’
2. Even University of Phoenix students are wary of their professors who graduated from University of Phoenix
3. If I saw a bear in person I wouldn’t be scared…Sorry, I forgot a word. If I saw a (Paddington) bear in person, I wouldn’t be scared
4. and praise be 2 aaliyah, who is before bey and after bey and w/ aaliyah bey was made and without aaliyah no bey could be made that was made
5. I mean, really, anyone with a wheeled cart could give themselves a pushcart award
6. Sometimes I get in such despair I want to cry and vomit at the same time, like a REAL man
7. The goal of writing is to strip away the clichés in your writing until you have a blank piece of paper
8. Was thinking of doing my cover of “Call Your Girlfriend” but I couldn’t find enough empty spreadable margarine cups
9. Way to test if someone has emotional depth, show them the movie Greenberg. If they watch blankly w/ a bland confusion, they pass
10. The Kate Upton Cat Daddy video makes one ponder God’s capriciousness
11. I forgot how much spam you get when you tweet about i—s. Rhymes with piedads
12. Bc what are teens anyway? Real life wolves?
13. I think the most intimate thing you do with the love of your life is when you put your ear to their stomach and listen to their ocean
14. Go back to 2013 & have a friend take a picture of yourself doing a handstand against a wall and tweet that picture to M.I.A.’s ex-boyfriend
15. You know there were LMFAO fans who were like, “Gangnam Style is so derivative.”
16. Honestly, I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t marry Bill Callahan
17. I will be the judge of which pho goes in my mouth and what time each pho will go in my mouth & that pho is all pho & that time is all times
18. I want rice to be thrown at my wedding. Then when the birds come in pairs, they’ll eat and bloat and die, just like a real marriage. #love
19. A “Menage a vu” is when you think you’re experiencing a threesome you’ve already had
20. I feel like people with MFAs wake up crying more often than the average person
21. “The music of Coldplay is like toast…except when it isn’t” – Husband Chuck Klosterman to you each morning
22. Just occurred to me that the Freys in Game of Thrones are the McPoyles in Always Sunny
23. I work with someone who asserts Noah brought baby dinosaurs on the Ark. It makes sense when you realize grown up dinosaurs would’ve never fit
24. It’s weird that women naturally shed their body hair overnight, but that’s science for ya
25. Please tell me in which room the networking is happening, I want to enjoy every other room in the world at that time
26. “This is a good place to raise children” – ppl in MN 150 yrs ago when they lived in mud houses & it was cold enough to die by going outside
27. Just because I’ve sent you a picture of my pert round bottom, it doesn’t mean I’m in love
28. Those who mark, highlight, or otherwise deface the text and/or margins of a library book should be arrested
29. Seth Rogen laughed his pot laugh & I ran my hands thru his shoulder hair & thought well as well him as another & yes I said yes I will Yes
30. “I should get paid to have opinions on things” – Everyone now
31. I’ll imagine I’ve made myself a #lavish banana split by squeezing chocolate syrup in my mouth then quickly downing a banana #justbeinghonest
32. My heart aches for those still doing the finger mustache
33. 15 min in & my review of Only God Forgives is ‘quiet gosling makes fists, much blood, is this a real movie?’
34. “here lies (ed note: put your name here), he (or she) had ‘not infrequent internet existential crises'” – my tombstone
35. If you refer to gatsby as ‘a high school book’ and infinite jest as ‘a serious book,’ you are stupid and I hate you
36. ‘Spawn of The Millennials’ – scariest horror movie ever made
37. If Ludacris wrote a great novel its excellence would spread by “word of mouf”
38. Women named Laurel must get annoyed when their bf’s take up the bed but say to be cute, “I know it’s wrong, but I want to rest on you”
39. Feel like someone who wears cape in public now had a hard time in junior high
40. If you’re a writer married to another writer I hope at least your divorce is amicable
41. As long as the eulogist says something like, “and he never wore spray deodorant,” I’ll have died pretty happy
42. Do you gize ever think ur pretty much the best a man can get then you look at ur Gilette razor and that’s the biggest reality check?
43. If I owned a store that only sold carpet, I’d probably be pretty sad at night
44. Sext : My ovaries R throbbing 4 U
45. That is to say, if someone tells you soon after a first date, “I’m really busy right now and just kinda stressed,” it’s over, bruh bruh.
46. I’m getting older because regular Mt.Dew tastes like radioactive urine and Diet Mt. Dew tastes like sweet nectar
47. #Polyamory : because sometimes you have to make up words to convince your girlfriend you’re not cheating on her
48. Can’t explain it, just have a feeling ben kweller smells like lotion
49. If you wore Jnco jeans in the 90s your life isn’t so bad now. These days you run ur own meth house and being your own boss is where it’s at
50. I wanna know who got up one day & was like, “Well, I want everything on the internet to be in circles now,” because that person is powerful
51. Engagement photos are for people looking to recreate the awkwardness of senior pictures, but with a partner
52. How about some real advice. “Guide turtles you see on the street to safety. Work your buns. Make cake and pie after. Share ice cream always”
53. Ariel already had 20 thingamabobs but she was so greedy she was like, “But who cares, nbd, I want moooooooooorrrrrrre”
54. .@girltalk plz mash up amy grant & john philip sousa
55. If I was a girl, I’d be more scared to meet a guy from ChristianMingle than a guy from a site called SatanDating
56. Were people who made fridges back in the day being ironic or did they sincerely want you to put your lettuce & butter in specific spots?
57. Feel like if I had long beautiful hair I’d already be married
58. The 1st rule of telling someone you like them is “why would you tell someone you like them, that is a terrible idea and will only end badly”
59. I don’t smoke, but sometimes I’ll see cigarette prices and think, “Am I in the future?”
60. “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start to not yolo as much.”
61. “Sometimes I blog about my feelings” – A single person
62. Honestly, as far as jobs go, having Instagram doesn’t seem that hard
63. Sometimes I think that if I could just edit my writing down to like, zero words, it’d be really good
64. Just spelled Netflix as Merflic on my phone. Now have the idea to start Merflicks: video streaming site only for movies starring merlins
65. If your art collective is only known for having parties, maybe just call yourself a party collective
66. Feel like the main reason people get a bf/gf is to have someone help out with rent
67. I mistook your knees for breasts and I hope that is flattering 2 U
68. When you think about it, all tattoos are meat stamps
69. Minecraft is one of those things that makes less sense the more I know about it, like Christianity, or destination weddings
70. Looking for white people? I bet a good place to find them is a National concert
71. Using the phrase ‘me likey’ is an easy way to stay single
72. You know that cool guy at the party acting like he’s never had diarrhea before? Dude’s totally had diarrhea
73. My only dream is to be a published author of large print fiction
74. Weird that women are required to wear pants but men don’t have to cover up their goatees
75. Flying in a plane has got to be more stressful than just like, regular flying
76. You can take Drake out of Degrassi but you can never take the Degrassi out of Drake
77. Why does every action on the internet HAVE to be shortened to an icon? WAS A WORD REALLY TAKING UP THAT MUCH SPACE? THIS IS TEARING ME APART
78. Breaded chicken is better than bearded chicken, I think
79. The things I reblog on tumblr are more interesting than the things anyone else reblogs on tumblr, that’s the only thing I know for sure
80. Saw a guy in the park wearing a fanny pack and cargo shorts and my only question is “are you available to help next time I move?”
81. It’s weird I have a favorite shirt when I’m in charge of every shirt I have
82. Message to all birds: We hear you
83. Seems like the towel business would be a tough business to get into
84. Idea for a novel. “Paula Dean” and “Rob Ford” get married and have a child. Name it Nicolai Carpathia. I’m calling this novel “Left Behind”
85. What’s scary is that you could be talking to someone who clicks on related links while reading MSN articles and not even know it
86. People in self-checkout lanes buying 10,000 individual peanuts and also having a REALLY hard time knowing which button is the peanut button
87. “She won’t help me gather up two of every animal on earth and put them on a boat I made.” #otdealbreakers
88. I hope my biography covers how much string cheese I ate
89. When I cook rice, it always comes out perfect. Also, I like my rice in a huge sticky clump
90. I wonder if Ma$e and Puff Daddy ever get together and take turns looking into a camera with a fish-eye lens, for old time’s sake
91. The hardest part about dating Carmen Sandiego would be the cost of all those plane tickets
92. The best part of a juice cleanse would have to be putting all those little straws inside of all those bags of Capri-Sun
93. The definition of annoying is proudly reciting the definition of insanity
94. Fortunately, since every guy gives “the best” backrubs, no woman will ever be subjected to a bad one
95. Our only true self exists when we are offered free pizza before someone else
96. If prayer worked there’d be way more lottery winners with ‘just a little bigger’ genitals all doing ‘what they were meant to do’ out there
97. 2000 years ago God died then rose from the dead to save you from eternal suffering. So go hide some eggs
98. The guys from my high school who wore “Big Johnson” T-shirts are probably nowadays just happy humans can’t get animals pregnant
99. I should’ve got married in my 20s to someone I kind of loved, like a normal person
100. If I wanted to pack on some pounds I’d just start a Book-It Club that rewarded me each time I fell for an unattainable person. 
