A Satire About The Hell That Is Taking A Commercial Flight

“Thanks for flying with Overpriced Airlines, ladies and gentlemen. We appreciate you choosing us even though you don’t really have a choice because flying 400 miles is more expensive than having your gallbladder removed and you probably just used Kayak to find a fare that wouldn’t require you to sell a body part.”

“We hope you don’t mind the $45.00 fee we assessed you all for being able to use the oxygen on the airplane, or the $60.00 convenience charge for us providing you a jet way on which to enter the plane so that you do not have to be catapulted into your seat. We have to charge our passengers enough to be able to compensate for our questionable business practices.”

“If you could please move extremely slowly while proceeding through the aisles, so that we can depart from the gate no less than 45 minutes late, it would really anger our intelligent passengers who know how to conduct themselves on airplanes. Please place one sheet of paper and your shoelace in the overhead bin space, so that people with actual carry-on luggage can try to stuff it under their seat to no avail, then have to walk all the way to the back of the airplane to find bin space and fight through a sea of passengers to get back to their seat 18 rows up. During this time, also take a moment to appreciate the fact that we board by group number and not by row number, so that it creates a giant cluster fuck that defies all logic.”

“If you wouldn’t mind sitting in a seat other than your assigned one, that would make it very much harder for us to take off in a timely manner. If you are assigned to seat 16B, please sit in seat 10A and look flabbergasted when the real seat 10A is confused as to why his seat isn’t empty. Then please rudely yell at the real 10A and the flight attendant because you want to sit next to your boyfriend even though you did not take the time to either select your seats next to one another at the time of booking, or ask the airline employee at the gate to try to accommodate you. Also, thank you for not choosing the acceptable way to handle this situation by waiting until everyone has arrived at their seat before kindly asking a fellow passenger if they would not mind switching seats with you.”

“We appreciate your attempt to carry-on your 5×4 50-pound luggage despite it being obvious that it should be checked. Please whack an old lady in the face as you try in vain to lift it over your head and shove it into the overhead bins, then look shocked and angered when one of our flight attendants tells you that you will have to check your bag.  Ignore the dirty looks your fellow passengers give you; they are not at all angry at your blatant disregard for airline rules and appreciate you causing their flight to be delayed even further.”

“Once in your seat, please try in vain to use the air conditioner as it gets hot as balls on the aircraft since the engines are off. Kindly try not to vomit or pass out as we cram 145 people into this tin can and offer no air circulation. Your airsick bags may or may not be in the pocket in front of you.”

“Ladies and gentlemen there is no meal service on this flight even though it is 5 hours long, but we do have packages of 1 and a half crackers and 2 M&M’s on sale for $16.50 should you choose to purchase a snack. We also have available for purchase 1 Lays Potato Chip ™ or 1 Peanut, each for $13.00. Should you desire a cocktail, we have thimbles of wine or beer for $27.00.”

“As we prepare to take off ladies and gentlemen, please make sure to turn off all electronic devices. In case the term electronic devices is not clear enough, please sit patiently as I name off every item invented since 1952: Cell phones, Kindles, laptops, pagers, Sony Walkmans, portable televisions, portable DVD players, stuffed dogs that children can pretend to walk, fake candles with light bulbs, miniature lighted Christmas trees or Menorahs, spelunking hats, Teddy Ruxpins, power drills, pacemakers, bionic hips, Tickle Me Elmos, and electronic massage chairs.”

“As a reminder, all airplanes are non-smoking and have been since the 1960’s and many of you weren’t even alive when you could still smoke on airplanes and nobody still thinks you are allowed to smoke on airplanes so this statement is completely pointless.”

“As we demonstrate the various safety features of this aircraft, please be assured that if the airplane crashes on water or land, we are all going to die anyway and the seatbelt or flotation device will do nothing to keep you from plummeting to a fiery or watery grave. However, FAA rules require that we be spend this time briefing you about pointless safety rules.”

“For your entertainment during the flight, we have several options. You can peruse the SkyMall catalog, which boasts hundreds of pointless and inane products such as Doggie Foreign Language CD-ROM’s and Home Mummification Kits for reasonable prices not below $200, or you can watch repetitive loops of Everybody Loves Raymond.”

“Our first class cabin and first-class lavatories are for first-class passengers only, since we only desire first class urine at the front of the aircraft, so you second-class individuals flying coach: please accept your second-class citizenship during this flight and do not attempt to use the first-class bathroom, even if the coach bathroom has a line of 15 people and there is no one in line for the first-class bathroom. Take seriously the fact that I have emphatically closed this see-through curtain separating the unwashed masses from our preferred passengers and do not try to peek into the first-class cabin. Please attempt not to pass out from hunger as we serve warm and gooey chocolate chip cookies to our more important passengers.”

“Finally ladies and gentlemen, we hope you enjoy your flight as we get you to your destination an hour late and you deal with the high likelihood that we lost your luggage. We sincerely hope that flying with us today has made you only mildly suicidal and has completely destroyed your faith in the lasting intelligence of the human race.”