Is Paul Rudd The Real-Life Dorian Gray?

Following in the footsteps of Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy, another “normal” guy has since been cast in an unlikely superhero role, as Paul Rudd has been dubbed the next Ant-Man. While much can be discussed regarding this decision, I can only think of one truly important question to ask since the first movie still was released: Does Paul Rudd ever age?

Think about it. In Judd Apatow’s This is 40, Rudd didn’t look a day over Clueless. When he portrayed Logan Lerman’s supportive teach in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, he could’ve passed for a student in the senior class who just happened to have a perfectly formed 5 o’clock shadow. I didn’t see the flick Admission, but I have to assume it was about Paul Rudd’s attempt to get into college, right? (It wasn’t, but it could’ve been.) The body of evidence to support this idea is overwhelming. Yet it still feels like we’re in the dark on this one. And that’s not cool. Not cool at all.

The people have a right to know. Has Rudd found the fountain of youth? Is he hoarding some secret stash of “actual” anti-aging cream? Did he make a Damn Yankees deal with the Devil? While all of these options are possible (maybe…), there has to be a more logical explanation. So I’m going to present one. Believe it or not, I’m convinced that Paul Rudd is Dorian Gray. Yep, I went there.

Somewhere there is a covered-up painting of Paul Rudd, and it’s showing his true age. And the man in that painting looks ancient. That figure has thinning hair, endless wrinkles, and bags under his eyes that just won’t go away. Time has not been kind to this man. But this is the real Paul Rudd. It has to be. I’m sure of it. Because there is no other way Rudd can still look like he does. It defies the laws of nature. But, you know what? I’m perfectly OK with it.

Paul Rudd has always done good work. He can play funny, heartfelt, dickish, loveable, and much more. Dude’s got range. And his ageless face is part of his charm. He always comes across relatable, like he’s the type of guy you could grab a beer with and shoot the shit about sports. So what if his true self is collecting dust on a wall somewhere? He found a way to fight off Father Time, and we should commend him for it.

Note: Paul Rudd most likely does not have an aging portrait of himself collecting dust somewhere. But, if he did, I would totally buy that shit on eBay.