The Goodbye I Never Said

Can I ask you something?

Did you ever regret choosing me? Did you ever regret loving me? Did you ever regret giving me your heart? Did I ever make you feel like I didn’t love you, like I didn’t care for you? Did you feel glad that I was gone? Did you feel happy when I started to stray away from you?

Were you ever waiting for my texts or my calls when you decided to be alone? Did you ever think about texting or calling me just to check on me, on how I was doing? Did you talk to anyone about me? Did you ever think that I was a waste of time? Was I ever a waste of effort, of love, of patience?

You notice how these are all questions? Because I never got any answers. I’m probably never going to send you this. I know I should, but I also know that I can’t. I promised you a lot of things. I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you intentionally, I promised you that I wouldn’t do this, and I wouldn’t do that. I promised you that I’d fight for you. Maybe I wanted you to fight a little harder for us, too – but that was already too much to ask, wasn’t it? Maybe I wanted you to hold onto my hand and give me a minute, to settle the war that was raging inside my head; to settle the chaos that was happening so abruptly.

You left. You left me to be alone – with your thoughts that never seemed to leave your head nor were they translated into words. To think things through, to settle the war between your own mind and heart, and to decide whether what we had and I were still worth fighting for.

As I was left in all the ruins of us, I tried to pick up the pieces left in the rubble. I dug through the ashes of what used to be good, and figured things out on my own. I was so sure that I’d keep fighting for you; I was so sure that I was ready to give all the fight that was left in me, because that’s how much I loved you.

Then there were times that I wasn’t so sure anymore. At this moment, as I am writing this now, I don’t exactly know what it is that I am feeling. Was I honestly that terrible of a person? Was I not worth the love and the effort anymore? Has your patience really stretched as far as it could? Has your heart hardened that way because of my doing?

Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe it was my madness that caused you to reach your end. I guess that’s just how a broken heart and a directionless mind makes you think and feel. It makes you cringe at yourself because of your mistakes, and because you thought you ruined something good, something beautiful, and something irreplaceable.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m going to thank you for the broken heart, but thank you for the lessons nonetheless. Thank you for reminding me of how strong I am. I was able to get up in the morning, and go about the day as if everything were normal – as if I was having a normal day – just without you in it. It seemed like the hardest thing to do at first but I did it anyway. I did it for me.

Thank you for being there for me and my family, during the toughest times. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn’t find a job, or a decent client; thank you for believing in me when almost nobody else did, myself included. Thank you for loving me when I was the least lovable person in the world, thank you for taking care of me the way that you have – after all this time – even if it means taking care of me first before you get to take care of yourself, and after you knew that it was breaking your heart, too.

I guess I deserve the heartbreak, I had it coming – because I broke your heart while you were still with me and I couldn’t see that you weren’t happy anymore. I understand why you needed to break my heart, maybe because it was just fair, because it was the right thing to do.

I hugged you the tightest when you felt like you weren’t good enough, when you were so lost because your future looked so blurry and you couldn’t see a clear path towards your finish line. I assured you that I’d help you follow your dreams, because I said I’d follow them with you. I assured you that on the day that you get to finally reach your finish line, I will be the one standing there, waiting for you with open arms, ready to hug you and congratulate you for a job well done. I gave you hugs that felt like armor, because I know that no matter how strong you make everyone else think you are, inside you is still a child that needs comfort, protection, rest, and a child that needs love.

I saw the best in you when you thought that no else could, or at least that time when you called me and you were in tears because of something that your dad said that really hurt you. I cried with you, too. I felt everything so deeply just like you did. When you got hurt, I did too. I reminded you that no matter what happens, I will always be proud of you and your magic, and that you are so much more than what other people think you are.

I loved you with all that I could, and with all that I had. I took care of you and made sure everything was convenient for you. I’m sorry if that was never enough, or if it was always too much. I’m not telling you everything that I did to get you to reconsider. I put it out here to serve as a reminder that I was good to you too.

I understood all the times that you pushed me away, even if it was hard for me to accept, I respected your decisions because I know I’m in no place to compete with your mind and your heart. I let you heal on your own. I’ve always thought that the intensity of our love for each other were far greater than any of our problems, than any of the trials and the difficulties along the way.

I’ve always thought that you were a fight that I would die for. You and what we had were worth fighting for, and so I did. I fought – with all my strength and my might. No matter how tired I felt, how badly I wanted and needed to rest, I always got back up and fought again. I didn’t complain to anybody, I didn’t ask questions, because I understood that this is what it meant to be in love. This is what I needed to do to fight for what I really wanted.

One day along the way of the journey to get back to you, I realized that I might have already been defeated; that there was nothing left for me to fight for anymore, that the war was over, and that I have lost.

This would be the part where I willfully accept my defeat. Good bye to you, to our memories, to our deepest darkest secrets, to our habits, and our usuals. I’m going to miss it with all of me. I guess this is how our story ends. I’ll find a way to forget about all the things that you left for me to remember, and I’ll try my hardest to make new memories of my own.

I can’t imagine the day that I will be completely okay again, but I’m wishing for it – for myself. Someday I’ll forgive you for breaking my heart, and I hope you forgive me for breaking yours. On that same day, I hope I forgive myself, too.

So, thank you, for everything that we’ve been through. I wouldn’t be the me that I am now if it weren’t for you. Wherever life takes you, I hope it always makes sure that your heart is happy. Thank you for everything my love, and for the last time, I’m sorry and I love you.