The Unedited Truth About Why Your Boyfriend Sucks, Based On What He’s Like At A Party

A keeper is a guy who isn’t one of these extremes— he can let you do you at a party while still enjoying himself. He doesn’t neglect but also isn’t overbearing. A boyfriend who is — like Goldilocks magnificently puts it, ‘just right,’— is the guy you should keep around.

1. The Backpack AKA no-space nausea

This may very well be the worst kind of boyfriend at a party. He literally hovers by you the entire time. Just like the humidity in a New York City summer, you cannot escape him no matter what you do or where you go. He’d likely try to go into the bathroom with you if you let him— please don’t. It’s a major warning sign if your guy acts like this at a party. The ability to be independent is a virtue and a necessity in a relationship.

2. The Pong Troll– “Babe, I’m gonna stay on the table for a couple more rounds.”

This type of boyfriend is probably a Frat boy at a big University school. At a party, he seems to be more physically attracted to the table where the Beer Pong Tournament is happening than to you. Red solo cups drive his ego and you could’ve sworn he just orgasmed when he made the last cup…

3. The Grand Orator

This guy will never fucking let you get a word in edgewise. He’s the tall guy at the party that raises his hand in the air and bellows “ONE TIME….” commanding all of the guests to listen to him for hours on end. His stories are pretty good, which is even more frustrating because then you’re regulated to the role of silent arm candy.

4. Pukey Peter

You can hold your liquor wayyyy better than this guy. It seems like every party he has to “take a sec.” He gags into the shot glass that his friend just handed to him. He defies societal standards of masculinity by not being able to successfully drink, which is kind of sweet, until you end your night rubbing his back while he throws up on the curb.

5. The Freestyler who takes a shot and suddenly thinks he has ‘bars’

This guy probably brought a butter knife in his pocket and showed it off at school when you were 12. He’s listened to a little too much NAS, Biggie and Tupac and alcohol seems to make him think his weak rap verses are fit for public consumption. He always suggests his boys start a ‘freestyle’ circle and you hide your face in your palms immediately.

6. The Sly Flirt

Otherwise known as the future cheating scumbag. This is a guy that takes you to a party and flirts with all of your friends. He has perfected the sneaky side smile that he directs towards your friend Sarah who has her cleavage out tonight. Pathetic. Ditch the guy.

7. The Self-Proclaimed ‘Singer-Songwriter’ that clearly hasn’t ‘read the room’

You can take this boy to the most crowded, rowdiest party and he’ll still find the opportunity to whip out his guitar. He somehow seems to believe every setting is a campfire, and croons away the hours. His songs are also most likely about the ex-girlfriend who broke his heart or his grandmother’s house in upstate new york that he spent time in during childhood— neither which, you’re really interested in hearing about, sober or drunk.